My cat managed to open a kitchen cabinet and sliced open a bag of flour. I walked into what looked like a feline version of the movie Blow.
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There’s trash talk, then there’s this.
Wife: Will you rub my back?
Me: No thanks, the last one just started sleeping through the night
It鈥檚 all fun and games until you realize that cute little puppy that you took in is the most proficient shitting machine that ever walked the earth.
I took a BEFORE picture of my living room, and then I set a timer for 30 minutes. The AFTER picture looked the same?? 馃
If the Pottery Barn didn’t want me to bring my goat in the store, they shouldn’t have called it a barn.
ME: wash the peanut butter off this knife
DISHWASHER: imma forge that peanut butter into an unbreakable rock on that knife
ME: please no
[watching him pack his bag to leave]
Me: So this is it, we鈥檙e done and you鈥檙e leaving me?
Plumber: Uh yes the toilet is unclogged now.
[parking lot in the 80’s]
*man appears to be having a heart attack*
MY GRANDMA: calm down everyone, i know VCR
ME: that’s great, grandma. now he can record the shows he’s missing when he’s dead
Murder hornets don鈥檛 sting as bad as accidentally opening the front camera.
me: can I get one for the lady at the end of the bar
balloon animal guy: ok
I鈥檓 sorry…
…but Cujo did NOT go to heaven.
Everybody always says never go to bed angry, but nobody told my husband never let your wife go to Target angry. He learned this the hard way.
Trapped on a train in the snow, and honestly, none of these people look appetizing.
Even if the recipe is called How to Cook One Clove of garlic, use three.
Why does the dentist have to take an X-ray of my teeth. They right there bro
A midwife is just the wife between your first and third one
Making crop circles IS a full time job, Troy. No one gets funding to study aliens if there are no aliens to study. Duh.
How many Avengers does it take to screw in a lightbulb? Two. Ant-Man and Wasp are the only ones small enough to fit inside a lightbulb.
House is clean. Time to sell the children and move.
Melatonin: You want some help falling asleep?
Me: Yes please.
Melatonin: And you want your nightmares more vivid and real?
Me: What?
Ceiling Lady: 馃厛馃劸馃厔 馃劮馃劥馃劙馃厑馃劤 馃劮馃劯馃劶.
I’m “don’t flash your headlights at someone who doesn’t have theirs on bc they will come and kill you” years old.
Forgive me, for I have sinned.
Same time tomorrow?
Me: I鈥檓 not wearing a mask. It鈥檚 ineffective and it鈥檚 just a way for the government to silence me
Scuba diving instructor: fine
Twitter: Ed Asner died
Me: Aw that鈥檚 so sad. What a great actor
T: Betty White is trending
Me: AAAAAAAAAA!!
T: She鈥檚 fine
Me: Why would you do that?
Why did the Christmas cake disappear?
It was stollen.
#Christmas #RubbishJokes
Damn girl clean ur room before u paint a selfie
The problem with this world is that they just let anyone in.
People say I mangle metaphors, but you can’t make an omelet without beating a few dead horses.
Whoever has my voodoo doll, please pull it’s hand out of its pants.