ANT: hey did you find any food to bring back to the queen?
SUPER FAT ANT: the who?
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If I were God I’d tell everyone that I created the animals and that I don’t know what happened after that.
*wakes up in a forest grove surrounded by deer*
ME:[nervous] are u the good deer or the evil deer?
(i see one deer holding up a classic copy of Bambi on VHS)
ME:[sigh of relief]
*deer breaks VHS in half*
ME:*gasps* oh no
Dog: *sneezes*
Me: “God bless you.”
Dog: “I thought you were an atheist.”
Me: “Since when can you talk?”
Dog: …
Me: …
Dog: “Thank you.”
Me: “That’s better.”
I don’t steal the blankets. Gravity is just heavier on my side of the bed
Remember when we realized dinosaurs were really just giant birds and people were like “oh well that’s not very terrifying anymore” and then everyone who’s ever met a goose was like IT IS IN FACT MUCH MORE TERRIFYING NOW
🎶 I don’t think you’re ready for this jelly
Requiring everyone’s clocks to be the same is communism. Let the free market decide what time it is
I can’t believe that in this day and age, people are still wearing fir.
wife: you need to put the dog down
me: [challenges dog to rap battle}
I want to be in shape enough that I fit into my favorite jeans but not so much that people ask me to help them move
There’s been a fire at London Zoo. Apparently two stick insects were having sex and it all got out of control.
Transformers: Human Centipede was a bit disappointing…
⭐☆☆☆☆
“Have you forgotten your password?”
Fish: 😔
Crows that are stuck together are called Vel-crows
My youngest has confused “vegan” with “cannibal” and we just discovered this today.
A lot of conversations that we had this past week are making more sense now.
Also, her adamant refusal to eat a slice of vegan cake.
VILLAGERS: Stop crying wolf, you stupid idiot!
BOY: Fine
{later}
BOY: Help…Wolf!
WOLF: What’s up?
BOY: I need you to kill the villagers
there is a small frog hiding in the water fountain at work and I am very jealous of him
Amazon: Your order has been ship—
Me: *Track Package*
Twitter handles are like bands from the 90s. I don’t really remember anything they wrote, but when I see their name, I have a vague sense of whether I hate them or not.
When abroad, James Bond is known as +44 07.
What if babies cry on airplanes because they are expecting to get eaten. “Here comes the airplane,” indeed
Me: how much for the seal Dracula
Zoo keeper: that’s a walrus
Man: I’d like to buy a fur coat please
Clerk: Sorry sir, this is a pet store
Man: I’d like to buy 200 gerbils please
Boy are you an automatic faucet? Just a slight hand movement and you’re spraying all over me.
[first day in Hell]
Me: I can’t wait to bust out of here
Devil: there is no escape
Me: no? [shakes kool-aid packet]
Remember kids, those light up sneakers won’t seem so cool when wolves are chasing you through the woods at night.
me: *eating burrito* so how do I die?
psychic: ok I’ll tell you
me: *eating third burrito* don’t you need to use your crystal ball?
psychic: no I’m pretty confident
daughter: what if the easter bunny actually is a huge rabbit
me: heh what else could it be
daughter: [leaves]
me: [alone w my thoughts] what else could it be
🎶we are never ever ever getting back together
– a pair of my socks saying an emotional goodbye to each other in the washing machine
Wife: do we have any Kool-Aid?
Kool-Aid: *Burst through wall* OH YEAH!
Me: seriously Martha?
Batman: *crashes through window* WHY DID YOU SAY THAT NAME?