A homeless man randomly asked me if I was from Minnesota yesterday, so I replied, “no, but once I stabbed a guy who grew up in Minneapolis”
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[grocery shopping]
ME: oooh my back just cracked
5: mine too. WE’RE A CRACK FAMILY!!
She wasn’t matching our energy so I had to fix it for her 🙄😂
Pro tip: If you eat your sandwich in line you don’t have to pay for it.
We’d like to remind passengers that free in-flight wi-fi is available for purchase immediately after take off
– airlines airlining
Life is like a box of condoms. If you don’t use one, you never know what you’re goin get.
[Trapped on a Island]
*Message in a bottle*
“Please send help!”*Gets message back, months later*
“Linda invited you to play Candy Crush”
My dogs: OMG MOM IS DOING STUFF!! WOOOO!! GET HER!!
Me: (just getting off the couch to go to the bathroom)
They said I’d have to kiss a lot of frogs before finding my prince. I never found him, but I did find out I’m REALLY into frogs.
There are two types of people, those who are clueless about their kids’ schedules and the other who plan it down to the minute. And they end up marrying each other
Whelp. It’s December. That time of year when I have zero excuse for being so sweaty.
My kid actually changed her sheets today but only because the old ones desperately crawled to the laundry room on their own.
People are like plastic bags: Some are meant to fly, some have holes — but are still useful — and, well, others are full of dog shit.
A lot of people think my handle is my actual name but it isn’t. My real name is Rachel Onomatopoeia.
Me: I need to see a supervisor
Hat Shop Employee: Excellent choice, Ma’am
My dentist asked me if I had a problem with my gums bleeding. You’d have to be really laid back to not have a problem with that.
Jan 1st: Avocado on whole grain toast with a protein shake
Jan 20th: Syrup comes from a tree so technically it’s a vegetable
The person opposite me has a donut. I do not have a donut. That should be my donut. This person is now my arch nemesis.
Why are mobs always “angry mobs”?
Where are all the relaxed mobs and contented mobs and mildly pleasant mobs?
I only eat vegetarians.
Not to brag, but I can cure my wife’s insomnia just by taking my clothes off.
I TRADED MY ALARM CLOCK FOR A KOALA SO I CAN SLEEP UNTIL HE STARTS BEGGING FOR LEAVES WHICH’S LIKE 3 DAYS
Before I do anything important, I always ask myself “would this gain house points for Gryffindor or lose house points for Gryffindor?”
Husband: [shrugs] I just feel sexier when I leave a little landing strip.
Wife: Finish mowing the damned yard.
*putting fish sticks in a bowl
Anything can be cereal if you pour milk over it
The 7-yr old has the flu so I’m letting her lick the envelopes of all my credit card bills.
“My eyes are up here,” I said as I clutched my burrito tighter.
Me: This escape room is really hard.
Guard: I said lights out!
FRIEND: Don’t come on strong.
{Later}
DATE: Want to try some of my soup?
ME: The spoon is too heavy.
Robber: This is a stick up
Me: *clears throat* I’ll stick up for Larry. Pat called him an idiot earlier and although it’s true, it was mean