the man next to me at this airport bar just sent at least 30 cry laugh emojis to a person in a text while he sat stoically drinking a heineken
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If people winked in real life as much as they do on the Internet, the world would be about 542.67% creepier.
Nobody invites me to spa day…
Just because I ate the cucumbers off everyone’s eyes and used their face cream as dip ONE time.
MEN: if your date is cold, don’t just stand there; be a gentleman and allow her to cut you open so she can crawl inside and keep warm
If you bring a child into a store and give that child a whistle, just know everyone in there will be a suspect in your murder.
Me: *overthinking a million different scenarios
*one of those scenarios turns out to be true
Me: I KNEW IT!
Doctor: I’m sorry but you’re not healthy enough for sex
Me: Hey man I have not been your patient for 3 years can you please stop calling me
what idiot named them vampires instead of hemogoblins. pretend it’s ten years ago. enjoy yourself
The only time I chase guys is when they try to steal my food
Why aren’t these people with Ebola doing the ice bucket challenge? Don’t they want to get better?
Year 2142: Meat eaters have died out. Vegans survive.
2143: Everyone is dead b/c the vegans couldn’t tell anyone else that they were vegan.
Customer: “Help! I got a text that there was fraud on my account here.”
Me: “Oh no, let me try to help. What’s your account number?”
C: “Oh I don’t have an account at this bank.”
M:…
C:…
M: “Then (inhales for a full minute) there’s no fraud on it.”
I’m a math truther now. Infinity is a lie. Numbers stop at 39.
I’m at a track meet watching my sister compete in weight throw and shot put, and I’m wondering what is going to hurt tomorrow from sitting on the bleachers 😂
It’s not my job to tell people where they’re failing in life.
It’s just a hobby.
Me: OMG WHAT THE HELL
Child: The news said it’s more sanitary to sneeze into an elbow.
Me: THEY MEAN YOUR OWN ELBOW
Leaving the beach yesterday I said to myself ‘don’t leave your phone on the roof of the car, woman’.
Long story short, someone found my phone on the side of the road and just returned it to me
[first time at church]
me: *flipping through bible* do you guys do soups
6 year old was FaceTiming a friend today and between the giggling and jumping around she went for a poop and stayed on the call throughout. And if I’m honest, out of my wife’s many talents I didn’t expect her to pass that one down
Of course people can change. I used to hate true crime but now I actively participate in giving shows content.
I really wish Facebook would stop suggesting that I make a FB story while showing me the most recent photo in my camera roll, it’s my freaking grocery shopping list
[teaching son to swim]
Me: get this wrong & you die
Every day, I win arguments from 10 years ago in the shower.
Maybe I forgot to text back. Maybe it’s Maybelline.
I hate it when they leave before I can make it awkward.
It’s a new year and a new me. I’d like to buy you all a drink. Waitress! One small Coke and 10,000 straws.
Reality show idea: an aggressive, Gordon Ramsay-esque plant expert goes to the homes of black thumbed individuals & insults them & flips over pots of soil & comes back 3 months later to see if they have made any plant progress.
I sleep better naked…why can’t the flight attendant understand this?
Cop: license and registration
Me: that won’t be necessary officer
*places a glazed donut in his pocket
[Spelling bee]
Your word is Monogamous.
M-O-N-O-T-O-N-O-U-S
*2 Judges stare at each other*
1st judge *nods*
2nd judge: “We’ll allow it”
While we’re on the subject….
*throws your homemade scone out the window and breaks a windshield*