Have kids so you can find a banana peel in your washing machine AFTER you washed your clothes.
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SWAT: give up the hostages
RICK ASTLEY[holding a gun to my head]: you know I can’t do that
*getting hit on by someone else’s boyfriend* aw he must smell my boyfriend.
People who ignore me just haven’t learned to make the best of a bad situation.
i just got paid $40 for a 9 second video of me brushing my teeth. i will never do anything for free again.
Pediatrician: I’d like to discuss your son’s limited interest in, or ability to, interact with others.
Me: Absolutely. Email me?
Oooh honey, you were amazing last night. Can we do that again tonight?
Him: “… I slept on the couch.”
Mmmm yeahh
Well well well, if it isn’t the guy who sprayed air freshener into my restroom stall…
People always say that when you have two kids that they’ll play together so it’s less work for the parents. Nobody mentions how loud they play together though.
wife: we are doing christmas with my family this year
remembering how me and my uncle got in a fist fight over whether the grinch is british: that’s fair
Person: I like for people to spell out what they want.
Me: C-h-e-e-s-e.
Accidentally fell asleep smoking an e-cigarette and when I woke up my whole house was on the internet.
Why procrastinate today
When you could procrastinate tomorrow
When I see a kid on a leash I assume they were a dog turned into a kid by a witch & the owners have yet to figure out how to turn them back.
[bar]
me: oh god this is gonna sound weird but would you mind pretending to be my girlfriend when my friends turn up so they don’t think I’m a pathetic loser
wife: no
Don’t look at me like that, daycare lady. Yes, my 3-year-old is wearing shorts and two sweaters. When I’m late, I negotiate with terrorists.
*slowly walking*
*sees kid out of corner of my eye*
Me: *walks faster*
Kid: *walks faster*
Me: *running at the swings, screaming*
MIIIIIINE!
It was hard getting over my addiction to the Hokey Pokey.
But I’ve turned myself around and that’s what it’s all about.
Friend: I’m engaged! *flashes ring* He bought me this beautiful teardrop shaped diamond!
Me: ah, the irony
Friend: What?!
Me: What?
Comets are just rocks that are like really really mad at you.
*Pouring nacho cheese over my bowl of cornflakes* No, I wouldn’t say I’ve let quarantine life change me.
COP: do you know why I pulled you over?
ME: *furiously trying to swallow a mouthful of mattress tag stickers* no
[mom and pop shop]
Me: *sniffling* one mom please
[Sitting down at a restaurant]
Ah yes, they’re all here. Salt, pepper, ketchup and mustard. All the ones we agreed on, forever, as god intended. Two powders, two goos.
I have never in my life learned from another person’s mistakes, I would literally let a giant wooden horse into my house right this second.
Went for a covid booster today and cracked the dude up when I said I was there for my software update 🤣
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Tyrannosaurus rex: *Sighs… *Changes channel
”My intentions are not pure” I whisper as I put on yoga pants with no intention of doing yoga.
Experts are suggesting you wait until 8th grade to buy your kid a cell phone but I didn’t even have kids back then.
Many rastafarian babies are born out of dreadlock.
My son unloading the dishwasher literally sounds like he dumped the whole thing on the floor & I should probably go look but I haven’t heard any screaming so I think we’re good.