Optimus Prime implies the existence of Optimus Fresh, and for a nominal monthly fee, Optimus Audible.
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Frog: WAKE ME UP!
Snake: Wake me up inside!
Someone just gave the agenda for the “third half” of our meeting. Guessing it won’t involve fractions.
Me: Are you mad at me?
Wife: Eventually.
What if you told a joke on stage then left. Then every few minutes for the next hour you peek out the curtain to see if anyone new is laughing at your joke. That’d be crazy right? That’s Twitter.
Texting my boss to let him know how excited I am for work tomorrow
me *walks into house*
wife: Where are the kids?
me *turns around and goes back out*
The hardest thing Vision has to do
I think my daughter is starting to take a dim view of Santa because she’s asking things like “can the elves leave if they want” and “does he help make toys or does he just sit there”
“Do you have at least 15 tattoos?” – final question at interview to work in a kitchen in 2013
Me: got my food and now I’ll just grab a napkin.
Napkin Dispenser: ok, 38 napkins to you my dude.
Me: no just-just one.
Napkin Dispenser: right, no napkins for you bro.
Me: uh what?
Napkin Dispenser: a bunch of napkins in smallish pieces for my homie.
You’ll never be as lazy as the person who named the fireplace.
Never argue with someone who knows fancier words than you. Like ‘responsibility’
[1st date]
Me: I don’t mind admitting I find these fancy menus confusing. What does that say?
Her: chicken
Me: no, after that
Her: nuggets
RoboCop: *about to arrest me*
Me: before you arrest me, which of these 9 pictures have cars in them
RoboCop: I’m going to let you off with a warning
If you’re out of wallpaper, you can always resort to using a few rolls of duct tape for that nice silver look.
The FBI’s terrorist hotline is not a place to chat with hot terrorists. I know that now.
Me: If you don’t like my rules, maybe you can find a different mom.
4yo: *excitedly* Can we really do that?
Promised myself that today I wouldn’t steal anything, kill anyone or use any Meatloaf song lyrics in a sentence & two out of three ain’t bad
One of my biggest fear is being chased by Usain Bolt during zombie apocalypse.
Yesterday I watched a YouTube tutorial on how to install a chandelier.
Today I’m watching a YouTube tutorial on how to clean up after a chandelier fire.
Me: “I updated the employee handbook like you asked.”
Boss: “This is just a book with pics of everyone’s hands.”
Me: “Pretty cool, right?”
BAE: wats for lunch
ME: i feel like a sandwich
BAE: u dont LOOK like a sandwich
ME: [secretly been trying to dress sandwichly for weeks] oh.
People be like I forgot to eat today meanwhile I’ve eaten 4 times since I started this tweet.
Do cute firemen still come when a cat is stuck in a tree?
Only in case of fire?
Fine. But pretty sure my cat won’t like being set on fire.
*zoom meeting*
Boss: do you have anything to add, you’ve been very quiet during this discussion
Me: well sir, it’s because I haven’t been listening
If you’re a zombie, all trucks are food trucks
Coming out of the dressing room at a store…
Me: What do think?
Husband: I like the pants but not the shirt.
Me:
Husband:
Me: But this is my own shirt that I have been wearing all day 😐
I want to be wealthy enough to leave notes for the housesitter like: “If the leopard seems bored, jog him on the treadmill. He can watch The Parent Trap.”
Him: why do birds suddenly appear every time you are near?
Me: *covered in peanut butter and bird seed* it sure is a mystery.
If two parents sit down to help their child with three math problems at 7:00 PM, what time will daddy be sleeping on the couch tonight?