How was your day?
-You know in Die Hard when he runs barefoot over broken glass?
That bad?
-Oh no. It’s just a cool scene. My day was decent
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birds: it’s so peaceful this morning
birds: maybe too peaceful
birds: let’s all scream at once
*Breakfast*
-Do u want the buffet?-No, I’ll order off the menu
-The buffet has more options
-That’s ok. I know what I want
-The buffet?
-No.
-Look, I don’t feel like bringing u food.
All Tolkien’s tweets would be numbered and his shortest thread would be 65345 tweets
Just saved my overly curious wife from the US Government right as she was about to Google “where do cannibals get their meat?”
My son washes dishes like he knows there are 12,000 germs but only wants to kill 1.
Awww, I remember when I was 18 and thought I was an adult too. Good times.
1985: “I hope we’ll have flying cars in the future!”
2017: “I just used the flashlight on my cell phone to look for spiders under my bed.”
Tomorrow implies the existence of Frommorrow. And also Tomorcolumn. And Tomandrow! Man, these daiquiris are strong…
I just vacuumed my dog to cut down on indoor shedding, if you’re looking for a life coach or whatever.
FRIEND: Where were you?
ME: I got sick and had to rush to the doctor
FRIEND: Flu?
ME: Nah, just drove really fast
9am: Nice try, Amazon, I’m not falling for the Prime Day BS again.
9:22am: *Reading reviews for commercial soft-serve ice cream makers*
This guy at work always looks down my blouse. So im going to put a piece of popcorn in there to see if he points it out.
I’m not stalking you. I’m trying to help you find that sock that you dropped behind the door before you left for work Wednesday at 7:04.
I put a potato in the microwave and pushed the pizza button. But when the little bell rang, it was still a potato.
Did you hear about how people in Athens don’t even wake up until noon?
They say dawn is pretty tough on Greece.
*doorbell rings, I open door*
Alien: Hi! Do you have a moment so I can teach you highly advanced life skills that will save your species?
Me: Yes! My vacuum is making a funny noise. Could you look at it?
Alien calls back to mothership: Can’t I just vaporize her?
You put the shhh in bullshhhit.
Who called it “the equals sign” and not “the aftermath”?
The most important thing you will ever learn is the very real difference between glossy and shiny.
Date: “so, tell me a bit about yourself”
Me: “NICE TRY, FEDS”
The coolest part of the Bible is where one couple somehow populates the world by having kids from every race and ethnicity.
the enemy of my enemy is my enemy in law
I’ve never read Catcher In The Rye, mostly because I can’t stand cereals or baseball.
Do furries go to doctors or vets?
[team dumps Gatorade on head coach after victory but head coach just happens to be the Wicked Witch of the West]
COACH: you idiots *melts*
Him: How close is the storm?
Me: Let me check
*laptop blows away*
Pretty close.
Stay humble, you are someone’s weird coworker.
Biden: Maybe we make our own country and he won’t be invited
Obama: Joe
Biden: And MAYBE THIS TIME WE CALL IT THE BLACK HOUSE RIGHT BARACK
Flight attendant: As you’ve sat near the emergency doors, you have to help me in an emergency
Me: ok[3 months later]
Flight attendant *calling me* omg help I’ve been stabbed
Me: wtf
Son your teacher called, she said you wrote “AQUAMAN RULZ” all over your math test. [sigh] First of all, Aquaman doesnt have any good powers