Why did the terrorist buy himself a new Porsche?
He was going through a midlife ISIS!!
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This pregnancy test confirmed my worst fear… I’m just fat.
[overhears wife complaining about me on phone] he’s always overreacting and making a mess
*spits chocolate milk everywhere* ARE YOU SERIOUS?
The real reason Batman only comes out at night is because he’d get disastrous tanlines wearing that mask during the day.
[•[•[•[•[•[•[•_•]•]•]•]•]•]•] Lego guy gang comin right at u
Now tell me how old your baby is in HOURS.
Someone told me yesterday that my casual outfit made them feel overdressed at the office, so today I wore a ball gown and a sequined cape with glittery stilts and a feather headdress and asked if she felt more at home
GANG LEADER: do these drugs to prove you’re not a cop
ME: how would that prove i’m not a cop?
GANG LEADER: cause cops hate drugs
ME: nonsense. i’m a cop and i love them ah crap
Tonight I’m going to be naughty and tie my man to the bed. Then I’ll make him watch a Golden Girls marathon while I eat the left over pizza.
Got a plant that apparently likes a “partially shady area” so I’m planting it in an Italian restaurant in New York
Robin Thicke can’t even name a second Robin Thicke song
Our homeowner’s association just sent out a notice about dogs barking in the neighborhood which is so totally stupid cause dogs don’t read email.
My 7 year old asked me if he could have a poster of an “artist named Eminem” and I flexed on him by telling him how I saw Eminem live in his hometown of Detroit.
My diorama of the Three Little Pigs mise-en-scéne was overshadowed by my sister’s master’s degree. I’m not mad, but I’ll probably cancel the show.
Painting your own toenails is a great way to save a few bucks and to realize you’ve gained weight since the last time you painted your own toenails.
me: hi, I have no power at my house
power company: ok, when did it happen
me: probably when we had kids, but it was a gradual shift
first time in subway and the worker took a picture of my order 😭😭 am I doing this wrong
*Sucks spider up in vacuum*
*panics*
*breaks a glass to vacuum up and finish him off*
I’m preparing for Halloween early by pretending not to be home every time someone knocks the door.
ME: I have crab like reflexes
DAD:I think you mean cat like reflexes
ME: [sitting in pot of boiling water] what
I think my husband left me. I woke up and he’s gone. He better have taken these kids.
If you see me on my balcony practicing my karate, just keep driving…I don’t want you getting pregnant.
Someone call or text my husband and tell him that dinner at Applebee’s is not a “night out on the town.”
Have you ever considered shaving that beard and gluing it to your bald spot?
…
Oh! You meant a question about the job position!
ME: please show me the posts in the order that they were made
COMPUTER: thats too hard. heres some tweets i think are good. Do you like this
Italian names sound delicious. Even Mussolini, sounds like a fried cheese that ends up oppressing your digestive process. #Italians
When a ninja is born, the doctor is like, “Um, where’s your baby?”
*getting a deli sandwich*
person making sandwich: only 1 piece of cheese?
me: yes
person: u can have 3 pieces of cheese for the same price
me: that’s ok I’m good
person: it’s FREE cheese tho
me: I don’t want that much cheese
person: *yelling* ITS FREE CHEESE
Instead of saying you’re gluten intolerant, just say you go against the grain.
Me: *pointing gun* put all the money in the bag
Him: sir this is a food bank
Me: put all the broccoli in the bag