[my attorney after our first day in court] leave the Hulk hands at home tomorrow
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FRIEND: it’s a strange time to be alive
ME: *looks at watch*
ah yes, 6:30
CHILD: *breathes*
PERSON: You need to keep your child under control, they should be still, quiet, unhappy and oppressed like an adult at all times!PUPPY: *bites persons face off and pees on them*
PERSON: Don’t you dare apologize, he’s a puppy! He’s still learning!
You either get a kid who eats like a bottomless pit, or you get one that when asked what they want for lunch answers “No thanks. I had lunch yesterday”
while pouring my morning coffee it just occurred to me that the name of rapper/singer Flo Rida is a play on Florida, the state where he’s from. I’m starting to understand why I never got a response to my Mensa application
Ex is bringing my kids back home. Time to strategically place the panties I bought from Victoria’s secret around the house
Man, my tummy really hurts, I should probably have another latte and a third and fourth croissant about it
This has made my week.
I’ve never run a marathon, but once I walked real fast across a parking lot because Krispy Kreme was about to close.
need a new bf mines broken 😐
If you cut your goat in half you’ll have two goats, that’s just simple math.
You know what celebrity they should get for Dancing With the Stars? That plastic bag from American Beauty.
As of last night my mom has more Aerosmith tattoos than my sister again. For now anyway.
I guess if Porky Pig wants to flash someone, he just takes off his bowtie?
3yo and I were in a store & she pointed at a toy purse shouting ‘I want a pretty pursey!’ but her ‘r’s’ aren’t well pronounced so I never went back to that store again
If someone tells you they don’t like some particular word, do not torment them with it. To do so is totally moist.
If Bugs Bunny was as sarcastic in real life as he was in the cartoons I’d be like, “HOLY SHIT A TALKING RABBIT!”
My husband is trying to tell me shopping on Amazon isn’t a hobby.
Next thing I know he’ll be saying Twitter isn’t a hobby.
1 in 3 Americans, weighs as much as the other 2…!!
as a child i thought i’d have to deal with the bermuda triangle a lot more than i have in my adult life
shaggy: hey scoob where’s my burger
scooby: ruh roh
shaggy: great danes only live 8 years you know
scooby: ruck roo
This white lady just whispered to her husband “there’s so many Asian people”… ma’m this is a flight to Japan
just found out the nhs had my height down as 88cm instead of 1.88 metres and now wondering if my early vaccine was because they thought i was a short dangerously large man
The Lion King is my favorite movie about how having a karate wielding monkey can completely change your life.
My toddler and I went pretend grocery shopping. It was a pretend Whole Foods and now the little guy is pretend broke as shit.
Husband & me: OMG, he’s doing it!
1yo: *walking*
Husband & me: OMG, he’s doing it!
6yo: *riding two-wheeler*
Husband & me: OMG, he’s doing it!
16yo: *pouring milk into cereal without spilling*
*UFO attacks*
Govt: It’s a weather balloon.*UFO destroys Eiffel Tower*
Govt: Weather balloon.*UFO conquers Earth*
Govt: Weather balloon.
Dear Sir, I am writing this with a heavy heart. Sorry it’s so hard to read I should really find a pen
I found a five dollar bill in the laundry and my credit rating went up 12 points.
Server: Would you like to try our new bacon-wrapped…
Me: YES!
{The purge}
GUY MURDERING ME: It’s “purge.” It’s a soft g.
ME: The purg. I feel like I’m saying it.
GUY: No, it’s “purge.” You’re saying it like “iceberg.”
ME: Purg.
GUY: *Getting increasingly frustrated* Say iceberg.
ME: Iceburge.