*finds a corpse in the house*
Oh great, more cleaning.
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Not to brag, but my kid asked me to guess an animal that starts with “komodo dra-” and I got it in one try
Him: Do you know what your problem is?
Me: Usually.
I gave my son an iPhone for Christmas and I haven’t seen him since.
Parenting is easy.
I’m not afraid to double-text, it makes me feel like a Victorian gentleman gently throwing stones at a window to draw a lady out of her chambers
Awww yeah it’s almost 4:20 you know what that means
(I need to go for a walk NOW bc it’s gonna be dark in 30 minutes)
When a cop gently helps you in his car, promises you an overnighter & talks about bonding, he isn’t taking you on a date… I know this now.
Praying that Donald Trump is really just Ashton Kutcher performing his most elaborate prank yet.
Stupid dryer didn’t work just because I “didn’t turn it on”
MY DAD (pounding on bathroom door): You’d better not be looking at mortgage rates again
I’m at my most potato when I’m twice-baked
Me: Honey, would you please go downstairs and get mommy’s medicine and bring it up to her?
3yo: *Brings up a bottle of whiskey*
Me:
Hubby: “Well, she’s not wrong…”
If you’re charging me $15 for apple cider at a hayride it better contain enough booze to enable me to see a headless horseman.
“FINISH HIM,” I scream, as Nana takes the last bite of her gingerbread man.
Imagine falling in love with someone and then finding out they say “worthwild”
*watches a show about global warming*
Yeah whatever, doesn’t affect me.*watches a show about bear attacks*
Would I be able to take a bear?
HR said no more nunchucks.
[first day as marriage counselor]
HER: we’re trying to have a baby
ME: ok I’ll step outside
so no one told you life was gonna be this way
Me: Wow. She has a mesmerising walk.
Him: Hypnotist?
Me: Oh hip noticed alright.
I have eaten 10 relaxation candles and I don’t feel relaxed???
*Password must be hard to guess*
New Password: H0neyWhatDoYouWantForDinner?
the court clerk in surfer court: do you swear to tell the truth & nothing but the truth & refrain from telling stories that are grody to the max, so help you god?
me, with my right hand in the air & my left hand on a ham sandwich: totally
I really want a family
sized bag of peanut butter m&ms
Priest: You May now kiss the bride.
Goth couple: *scowls*
Priest: *Sigh* You may Now bestow one final graven kiss upon this queen of winter throned.
I’m digging this new iPhone 11 Pro. It has a separate camera for each one of my chins.
[first date]
HER: You smell so good. What are you wearing?
ME: *nodding and sniffing myself* Mashed potatoes with gravy.
“Ok, guys, before you start calling me a pervert, let me just say I found a great source of protein.” — The first guy who ever milked a cow.
I guess the Tupperware lids in my house just graduate and go off to college or something.
I have 7 TV controllers on my coffee table. All are decoys.
The real controller stays on my person at all times.
so many songs about heartache but only one about a werewolf loose on the streets of london??