My phone went from fully charged to 10% while I was sleeping, so I guess it leads a more exciting nightlife than I do.
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Wife: can you pick up milk on your way home
Me: can’t he just get a ride home with friends
Wife: again, our son’s name is not Milk
6 year old: Daddy, what if the plane goes down? Me: Don’t worry, your mom is with us. She never goes down. 6 year old: What? Me: Want candy?
I showed my students that I can say my ABCs backwards and a student shouted “SHE’S A WITCH!” and then I unzipped my jacket and revealed my Hocus Pocus shirt and they all screamed and the universe has never aligned like this for me
statistically speaking if 3 million people are getting the vaccine one of them will die in a car crash on the way home which means my idiot aunt is going to facebook message me that the vaccine causes car accidents
TOP PLACES TO DO KARATE IN FRONT OF:
1. Sunset
2. Crashing waves
3. Dad’s grave (as casket is lowered)
4. New stepdad’s face
5. Quiznos
My wife left me by doing the “stairs behind the sofa” thing and never came back
My lucky number is 17 so I’m really hoping that 2017 is finally going to be my year. Otherwise, I’ll have to change my lucky number again.
Me, to my kid: Pay attention! You’ve got to focus, it’s important in life…
Me, two minutes later: Where’d you go?!
Every Father’s Day I think about the time I jokingly asked my 4 year-old daughter if she was going to get me a “World’s Best Dad” mug. “Nope,” she said gravely. “I haven’t met all the dads in the world.”
I’ve never been in love… But I imagine its similar to the feeling you get when you see your waiter arriving with your food.
Me: I think I’m suffering from auditory hallucinations.
Narrator: There was no narrator.
On my way into the gym, I quietly drop my empty Reese’s Pieces box into the trash can. My commitment to healthy living remains steadfast.
-You were standing in the lobby of The Astor Hotel wearing a blue sweater. It was April 9th. Your first words were, “It’s you.” You had a stain on your left pocket.
-Amanda, where did you park your car just now?
-No clue.
We grew up so poor we could only listen to Duran.
Dear woman I saw jog down a busy street, run into a liquor store, buy two bottles of wine, and then jog back home,
Come back to me.
Kids won’t remember they have homework but they’ll remember you promised them Robux if they did their chores for the whole month
Breaking news:
magician: “think of a letter, any letter”
me: “ok”
magician: “now double it”
me: [visibly confused]
I’m not mad, I’m just frustrated.
-people that are about to start ugly crying
If you’re a zombie, all trucks are food trucks
Back off. I’ve got enough to deal with today without having to make your death look like an accident.
I woke up to my wife fluttering her eyelashes at me.
I said, “Ok, what do you want?”
She said, “I want you to turn the ceiling fan down.”
16 yo daughter: I feel like nobody spends time with me
*returns to bedroom where she has had herself locked in for the last 742 days*
I’m really enjoying that the innate desire to deploy awful people into space has finally started to become a reality
If you wrap yourself up in a blanket, you can show up to work late and say you were just rescued by the Coast Guard.
Them: What’s your writing process like?
Me: Pretty intense. Very solitary. Organized. Inspired.
My writing process:
Can you teach a self-cleaning oven to do the rest of the house?
My 3-yr-old just found a moldy hot dog in the sofa cushions and ate it.
I know I should be horrified, but I’m actually relieved because now I don’t have to make her supper.
Your Joke Is Factually Incorrect – A Guide to Dying Alone.