axl rose is morphing more and more into elon musk and i am uncomfortable
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Me: It’s late. Go to sleep.
Brain: K.
Me:
Brain:
Me: *kinda dozing off*
Brain: WHY WOULD HORSES EVEN TRY TO PUT AN EGG BACK TOGETHER?
I’m starting to think some of you are actually on Facebook.
You know we just joke about being Facebook right?
* Guy at board meeting pitching the idea for a Roomba
You ever notice how sometimes you’re too drunk to vacuum ?
My son left a package of cookies at my house then texted me asking me to not let anyone eat them.
So now I’m snapchatting him videos of me eating all his cookies and reminding him of all the times I asked him to do something and he didn’t.
1st Date
Me: Just warning you. I get freaky.
Her: Oh yeah? How freaky.?
Me:*thinking of using pizza rolls as a pizza topping* So freaky.
My kid not only replaced the toilet paper roll but put it on facing the right way, my parenting book is out this fall.
Babies love to shake things, but hate to be shaken. It’s like, pick a side, babies.
Me carrying the weight of being the funniest person in my whole family
My husband said he needs to have sex and now he is mad at me. Apparently, asking ‘with each other’ was the wrong response.
Stole my neighbors family portrait & got it tattooed on my back. Now I’m standing in their living room facing the wall 2 see if they notice.
Son: Mom, I’m having a problem at school.
Me: Oh no, buddy, what’s wrong? Do you need me to show you the Karate Kid again?Parenting is easy.
I missed being a teacher yesterday so I let my coffee go cold, didn’t pee for 7 hours and stood in my living room repeating myself.
My dog tried to kill someone for talking to me, which is basically the sweetest thing anyone’s ever done for me.
WIFE: can’t wait until we’re old and sitting on the porch so I can tell you all my stories again because you won’t remember any of them
ME: wait… your retirement fantasy is I have dementia?
therapy: $90/hr
saying “it eez what it eez”: $0
*watches a movie with you*
*loudly beeps during all the good parts*
She had silky hair and legs that went on for days. I was in bed with a horse.
Calvin: the doctor thinks I have dissociative identity disorder
Hobbes: getting a second opinion?
Calvin: yeah that’s the gist of it
I wish Bill Clinton would stop pointing his finger at everyone, Lord knows where that finger has been. #DNC #DirtyPoonTang
I feel like Indiana Jones every time I go looking for keys in my purse.
It’s 10:25pm and one of my kids just came downstairs and asked what’s for dinner.
I guess I need to start doing head counts from now on.
me: this hotel is $100 per night?
clerk: that’s right
me: how much for just one room
What doesn’t kill you makes you stronger. Except for bears. Bears will kill you.
“Do you want to hold my baby?”
Yeah nice try. You got yourself into this mess you hold your own damn baby.
EDWARD SNOWDEN: I can help determine the writer of that anonymous op-ed
TRUMP: What op-ed?
EDWARD SNOWDEN: Not much, what’s op with you?
[first date]
HER: I like classic cars
ME: ugh do not get me started on the sequels
The only reason I watch political speeches is cause I’m hoping there’s gonna be a sniper.
1492
[DAY 6]
COLUMBUS: India!
SAILOR: That’s an island, Chris.
[DAY 11]
COLUMBUS: India!
SAILOR: That’s a dolphin, Chris.
{At America}
COLUMBUS: India!
SAILOR: *Sigh* You know what? Fine. Sure Chris. You did it. That’s India.
[hears baby crying in the next room]
“It’s ok, I’ll go.”
[gets in car & goes to a motel]