-Someone keeps phoning up pretending to be my grandmother. It’s a prank, I don’t know what else to call it.
-Shenanigan?
-Don’t you start.
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Welcome to ghosts anonymous. Nice to see such a spirited turnout.
*all of the ghosts boo in unison*
The biggest lie I learned in school was that women reach their sexual peak at 40. All 40yo me wants is to scroll my phone and eat my bowl of mashed potatoes
Sorry you asked a yes or no question and I talked for 12 days
push came to shove, and that’s when he realized that he was in a mosh pit
My 7yo made a bed for his new stuffed giraffe on a windowsill, covering him with a bath towel.
I asked why the giraffe couldn’t just sleep with him in his bed, and I don’t have it in me to debate his reply:
“He’s a giraffe. He won’t fit in a bed.”
the cashier at taco bell gave me the senior discount without asking me. I’m 38.
Them: What is your favorite thing to go hiking with?
Me: My car.
Hockey fights are cool but imagine the make up sex afterwards in the locker room.
Old Hollywood bloopers are a thing of beauty.
Amal Clooney bought hubby George a riding lawnmower for his 55th birthday. I have never been so jealous of a garden tool in my life.
Stop me if you’ve heard this one
Daddy I’m full
Ok, but the kitchen is closed for the night
(after cleaning up dinner)
Daddy I’m hungry
Me: I have a million things to get done before Christmas
Also me: now seems like the perfect time to learn origami
who wore it better?
I’m just going to say it: I don’t think Arkham Asylum has good security.
UPS delivery tracking is like “your shipment is on a truck which is currently parked next to your house. Estimated delivery is 9 days from now.”
I’m here to make a donation.
Nun: Blessings, the orphans could use…
*Shoving my kid at her- A brother? I’d like a receipt. For my taxes.
me: I need a new shirt
stores: way too small or ridiculously oversized?
[intercom]
Please stop putting clown shoes on the sacrificial goat. The ritual is in 3 days & the other cults aren’t taking us seriously.
There is a 100% chance you’ve had this conversation with your mom:
Me, to a perfectly white puppy: please try to stay clean
Him, 5 min later, having tried his best:
Fecking hate sellotape should go sit in the wrong corner with everything else I hate ….
Whenever I see a dog in a movie, none of the rest of the movie makes sense.
Why are you dealing with all this conflict and drama?
WHY AREN’T YOU AT HOME WITH YOUR DOG??
Not sure if the bulb for my check engine light finally burned itself out or if my car magically fixed itself, but I’m going with the latter
[God creating Neil deGrasse Tyson]
Neil deGrasse Tyson: actually that’s not how it happened
“what’s something you’d tell your younger self?” you can have ice cream for dinner, nobody will stop you
I love in films like 300 where the main guy will say something like “get some sleep, for tomorrow we battle to death”, and everyone just goes into deep sleep, in some wet grass, fully clothed. I can’t get to sleep in a warm bed if I have a 10am conference call about content.
interviewer: why do you want to work here?
me: to be able to afford food
interviewer: we’re really looking for someone motivated by the job
me: …do you think your job is better motivation than not starving to death?
LinkedIn really flies under the radar as the social media platform that’s absolutely the most unhinged
My friend was too embarrassed to tell people she met her husband on Tinder so she started telling people she met him at a family reunion instead because that’s less awkward..