The best part about talking to a narcissist is how there isn’t any pressure to add to the conversation.
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In a parallel universe calories are trying to burn people.
I’m down 10 lbs since Christmas and all I did was drink more water and stop eating gingerbread houses.
teenage son: [mad at me] I WISH I WAS BATMAN [slams door]
me: ok lol
[later]
me: hey what the f-
5: Mom, look at me!
Me: I’m in the shower
5: Look at me!
Me: I can’t!
5: Because you’re in the shower?
Me: Yes!
5: Fine, but can you just look at me?!
My 3 year old has been on the other side of the door knocking and making me “guess who” for five minutes. I’m usually pretty good at acting surprised time after time, but the glass door is really straining my theatrical skills.
I’LL SAY WHEN I’VE HAD ENOUGH! KEEP ‘EM COMING, BARTENDER!!
*handing me another espresso*
The term is barista, ma’am.
I can find Waldo faster than I can find the bread bag twist tie I just set on the kitchen counter.
[watching Canadian Geese slowly walk across the street]
Me: ya know you can fly !
E-thugs. Because talking shit in person is dangerous.
OMG, shoot him with a crossbow one time and he never shuts up about it.
It wasn’t even fatal.
Do those “selfie sticks” retract, or do you just have to walk around like a doofus with a stick all day?
Me: Is…is this a toenail?
Kid: Yes
Me: Why did you hand me a toenail?
Kid: Because I want to take it home
Me: Is it YOUR toenail?
Kid: Yes
Me: Throw it out, please
Kid: No, it’s a part of me
Me: Do you save all your toenails?
Kid: No…should I?!
Me: DEAR GOD, NO!
*steps away from meeting to send my sister a puking emoji*
Got caught by three red lights on my way home and now my avocados are bad
My wife just gave me an ultimatum, it’s either her or Twitter.
So, sadly this will be my last tweet, where I mention having a wife.
2 years later
My favorite sex position? Boy there’s so many to choose from. Ha Ha. *starts sweating* I’d have to pick, um, reverse…shortstop? I gotta go
ME: [riding a horse on a carousel] weeeeee!
AIRLINE SECURITY: [into radio] god dammit, he’s back and he brought a horse with him this time
Follow Sunday: @funTweeters, because boredom.
I keep a pocket DVD player, loaded with The Neverending Story, paused on the scene where Artax drowns in the swamp of sadness. In case I overhear someone say “that’s the saddest thing ever!” and need to show them why they’re wrong
Psychologist: I found that through a system of simple rewards I can train an animal to repeat a specific behavior.
Boss: Nice. Keep it up, Skinner, and you’ll get tenure.
There’s no such thing as bad press.
Johnson & Johnson: Hold my Beer!
*sees sharp scissors, hot glue guns, and simmering office rage*
Maybe team building with arts and crafts wasn’t such a great idea.
Absence didn’t work what else ya got?
GPS: You’re not really lost, you just want someone to talk to.
I’m sorry I pretended I was dead when you said hi.
Dentist: “When was the last time you flossed?”
Me: “BRO, you were there.”
prosecutor: why did you murder that man
me: i thought he was cake
prosecutor: you “thought” he was cake?
me:
prosecutor:
me: i hoped he was cake
>when you hit the end game in a JRPG but your party is underleveled
How to meet a girl:
1) Walk into a bar.
2) Shout “Heroes in a half shell.”
3) When a girl yells back “Turtle Power,” marry her.