Over 400 billion people a year are victims of exaggerated statistics.
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Stop screaming at me like you’re the only one who realizes our kitchen is on fire. The arrogance.
PA System: Attention shoppers, the store will be closing in five hours
Sloth: Uh oh
Ribbed condoms don’t even taste like ribs
me: damn, can’t use the gps, my phone is dead
friend: it’s cool, we have a map
me: nice, we can find a place to charge my phone
if something “takes the cake” that’s on you for not guarding said cake appropriately
Me: Why isn’t the water working?
Kid:
Me:
Kid:
Me:
Kid: I shut it off to practice being a plumber
Me: There it is
Last night a burglar broke into my house but I quickly popped open a bag of potato chips & hid in all that free space.
Setting a dowry for my teenage daughter. So far I’ve got 2 dogs, 1 little sister and an ant farm. Act before midnight, I’ll toss in an iPad.
Gross, who put proof in this pudding?
Went outside. Touched grass. Got bit by bugs. Zero stars
Maps used to say cool stuff like “Here Be Dragons.” Now they just say bullshit like “Portugal.”
Me: Wow that is spicy. Wooo! *fanning mouth* What is it called?
Her: Sparkling water.
My son had to pick his towel up off the floor today. Apparently he’s forced to do everything around here.
Nothing good can come from a gay man greeting you with an up and down look followed by an “Oh, honey”
I’m lazy, but not ‘The guy who named blackbirds’ lazy.
LIFE HACK: At the end of a night out, go to a Domino’s Pizza, order a delivery then catch a ride with the driver. Dinner + transport home!
any time someone sends me an email with “best regards” i reply with “bester regards” so they know i take my job seriously
There are two types of people in this world, avoid both.
I’ll straight up call someone who’s making trouble a “rabble rouser”, and someone who’s rousing rabble a “troublemaker”. I really don’t give a shit anymore.
*narrows my eyes at you suspiciously*
*keeps narrowing them*
*closes them entirely*
[naps]
[Inventing octopus]
God: 8 arms
Angel: okayyyy
G: with suckie things
A: and-
G: Mouth like a parrot, shoots ink
A: wtf
G: …I ate mushrooms
If I ever get married, I’m not wearing white. Nothing to do with the whole virginity thing, and everything to do with being a sloppy eater.
me: I feel like this’d be better if I knew my competitors. Like maybe you could do a grid and we could see who won each week?
therapist: again, you can’t “win” therapy
I’ve never made it longer than 7 hours into a diet before my inner fat girl ate her way out.
Stubbed my toe leaving the hospital. Called my doctor complaining of a painful discharge.
Irish I was a lil bit smaller. Irish I was a leprechaun baller. Irish I had a shamrock & a hat, & endless gold coins in a big black cauldron
*walks in on you sitting on the toilet* “Scooch over.”
Cop – “Sir are your trafficking these children?”
Me – “No sir, they are my children.”
Cop – “ Then why are they screaming ‘HELP HELP, get me out!’ as loud as they can?”
Me – “Sorry, there was a fly in the car.”
Cop – “EWW, A FLY!!!”
At what age do you tell your child Alexa isn’t real?
Me: Tonight I’m going to get some good sleep.
WebMD: With the fishes.