This is bullshit!
I asked for a “Happy Ending” at an Asian massage parlor, & now she’s dressed like Snow White, expecting me to marry her.
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After Michael Jordan joined a religious order, he was known as Air Friar.
My toddler found a roll of quarters and is throwing money everywhere. Is she Scrooge Mcduck? Am I rich?
Married with Children was much funnier on TV.
Fitness friend: Do you know what you’re putting in your body?
*flashes back to ex
*shudders
Canadians are not always nice, especially if your son pisses on their snowman.
I really need someone to follow me around Target to say “No. No. Put that back. You don’t need that. You already have 4 of those at home.”
Meeting my friend’s new kid is always awkward. I mean, do I let them smell my hand before I pet it or just go right in?
Just some repair guys and me at work right now. If a pizza delivery guy and a director show up, I’m leaving.
My dog eats too much food and throws it up. EVERYDAY. I swear to God if she keeps this up, she’s going to look amazing.
Me: today I’m not apologizing for ANYTHING!!!!!!
*almost steps on pigeon*
Me: omg sorry sorry sorry
WHO SAID “YOU GOTTA KEEP EM SEPARATED”
A) Gov. George Wallace
B) The Offspring
C) My mom teaching me to do laundry
D) All of the above
I’m not one to bet, but I’d put $50 on the fact that the waffle was probably created when someone accidentally stepped on a pancake.
I’ve just used glitter spray paint in a confined space, and now I’m on another planet busting disco moves with an intoxicated pixie.
So tired of every man on dating apps saying they’re looking for someone spontaneous. Sir I have anxiety and a career I need a plan.
Trump is opting not to have celebrities at his inauguration in the same way that I opted not to take any cheerleaders to prom.
Finding the smoke alarm with the dying battery is just the adult version of Marco Polo.
A gentleman always straightens out the vending machine after shaking it.
If you can’t beat them
Just try sunny side up
My sister texted and asked if she and her kids could come over,
and now I’m frantically looking for a new place to live.
The dollar tree has motion sensor Christmas ornaments that blast jingle bells in case your family doesn’t already hate you…
Dress sloppy at work and people will think you don’t know what you’re doing. Dress too nice and people will think you know what you’re doing. So you see my dilemma.
Every time someone tells you they are a vegan an angel eats a dog.
You wouldn’t believe all of the Easter eggs I just found lying in the grass outside of this pre-school.
*Australian accent* Notice the wife in her natural habitat shaming the male husband species into doing what she wants!
Me: They were out of tampons, so I got you a box of bandaids instead.
Her:
Caller: Emergency Sevices? I’m on fire.
Me: That’s great, keep up the good work.
Going to spend some time this weekend getting in touch with my inner pumpkin.
Edward Cullen: How long have you been 30?
Me: *long awkward pause* A while…
[Shipwreck diary]
Day 1: Luckily the ship has enough food for 3 months. Longer if I ration well.
Day 2: I am out of food.