There’s no I in team but there is an I in marriage. There’s also ME, AA and RAGE.
You Might Also Like
[at a football game]
my kid: can i get a giant foam finger
me: no
my kid: why not
me: because you already ate three of them at halftime
One of my buddies lost his right arm in a car accident which is a huge bummer, so much money wasted on tattoos
My wife just yelled at me for not warning her that I was about to sneeze if any of you are thinking of getting into a relationship.
Why didn’t I marry a hairdresser or a baker. I did not think this through.
i was just about to start being a good person but then i got mildly inconvenienced
If I check out your blog, what will you do for me? Love me? Ok fine, but you’re telling my mom we’re going out.
While removing a cat hair from my phone screen I accidentally closed three windows, downloaded two apps, made an unwanted Amazon purchase, and texted my boss a Chuck Norris meme.
Her: Put your finger on it!
Me: Like this?
Her: Oh yeah, I can finish now!
-Making the perfect bow
If Christian Bale has never cancelled a date and said “sorry to Bale on you” then I don’t think he is living life to the fullest.
What a wicked game you play
To make me feel this way
What a wicked thing to do
Detective Pikachu
companies sending a rejection email after i apply for yet another role with them
Fifty shades of grey is my favourite movie about English weather.
The most elusive of all creatures is the camo camo camo camo camo chameleon
Seriously you guys, the only reason to check Facebook, is to find out where people are going, and then go somewhere else.
Hell is probably just thousands of tourists trying to take pictures of you walking a cat.
Is it lovers quarrel or lover squirrel?
either way, couples therapy is going great
Cant believe they scheduled work at my 9-5 job the day after I decided to get drunk on a Wednesday I am appalled
hot take but IMO the internet was better when it was just dorks and social outcasts. after they let hot people on here everyone got all weird
Them: Tell us something about yourself.
Me:
I’ve been with my bf for a little over a year now and my future mil has already vowed to never speak to me again. How was I chosen for this blessing? Did I win some kind of award?
Inside Out 2:
The girl enters puberty.
Her emotions get out of control.
She goes Goth.
Sadness murders the other emotions in their sleep
My son recovered from his illness while I was filling out all the paperwork in the waiting room.
me: how would you like the steak sir
sir: well done
me: thank you but how would you like the steak
Them: Follow your dreams!
Me: *goes back to school without pants*
Just pulled my classic move of not replying to a text immediately to avoid looking desperate and the forgetting to ever reply to it, making me look unreliable instead.
“I’ll take movies for $500 Alex”
Tim Burton directed this dark tale starring Johnny Depp & Helena Bonham Carter
“You gotta be kidding me”
Sometimes I drink too much coffee and chase the Amazon guy around the neighborhood
“Chicks dig a bad boy,” I say as I write ‘POOPIE’ in crayon all over her bedroom walls.
Me: your dress is too revealing
Wife: wear your own clothes then