Gen Z, Boomers, Millennials and Gen X
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“MEANWHILE IN MONTANA: A handful of cows found their way into a newly built home and lived in it for a month before being noticed.
The family was moving from Washington. The Aunt was supposed to be checking on the place, but she didn’t. A rancher had filed a report about missing
ME: Let’s go get some chicks
[later]
FRIEND: This isn’t what I had in mind
ME: Shhh *carefully places tophat on baby chicken* this is Abe
Since it would take human contact to get Ebola. Everyone on Twitter is safe.
“I want you inside me,” I say to my husband while staring at the chocolate cake behind him on the counter.
Why can’t my kids understand that I’m just not into parenting right now.
When life gives you lemons. Squeeze them in people’s eyes.
A very annoying brain feature I have is what I call Waiting Mode. Like today, I have to leave for an MRI at 2:45. Unfortunately at 12:30 or so, my brain decided to activate Waiting Mode, which means that instead of getting anything done, I just have to sit here and wait.
my sister is about to have a baby and my brother showed up to the hospital in a suit because “first impressions matter”
I’m not saying becoming a parent ages you, but when I started having kids I was 24, and now I’m 117.
BOSS: I have some tough news
INVISIBLE MAN: Go on
BOSS: HR says we need to hire more “Visible” minorities
INVISIBLE MAN: This is bullshit
Heard someone explaining how to close a bag of chips and now all I can think about is who doesn’t finish an entire bag of chips after opening it?
My husband and I decided we don’t want to have children.
We will be telling them tonight.
Girl at engineering school: I’m like the single-most clumsy person
[5 male engineering students emerge from bushes]
“Did you say single?”
Ladies,
When someone asks why you’re single, tell them you’re overqualified.
I think the reason giraffes don’t ride in hot air balloons is that their faces would probably get fried off in that flame thing.
Never trust couscous. It’s just fat sand.
You know those lines you see painted on parking lots? I know this will come as a shock to some of you, but you’re supposed to park between them.
I’m out here thumping watermelons like someone will murder my entire family if I pick the wrong one.
The only difference between an outpatient mental health facility and a bar is the lighting.
“Open face” is both a good type of sandwich and also how you eat them
i have a playlist titled russian roulette which is composed of under pressure by queen like 10 times and ice ice baby by vanilla ice once
Her: *slaps grilled cheese from my hand* I’m leaving you!
Me: *slowly removes emergency grilled cheese from my pocket*
We all wear masks.
I’m about to trade in my ‘polite coworker’ mask for my ‘dude you don’t want to meet in a dark alley’ mask
In 3…2…1
People said I was wasting my time playing Tetris, but here I am, loading the dishwasher like a beast.
I can’t go to jail…
I have serious food allergies!
Rent in the city is getting ridiculous. I pay $775 to live in a barista’s beard. I have 3 roommates.
baby it’s cold outside but for introverts –
baby – 🎵 I really can’t staaay … 🎵
me – oh dear, that is a shame …
baby – 🎵 I have to go a … 🎵
me – ok, bye!
political ads are like “i”m the only one strong enough to stand for what’s right” then they send you an email “they’re kicking my ass, i’m desperate, i’m losing this thing, i need your $5”
Some people are like water balloons; they’re more fun when you throw them out the window.
If my kids knew there was a light in the oven, they’d leave that one on too.