“Your meal is being prepared and should be delivered in 30-45 minutes”
Perfect. Just enough time to eat a sleeve of Oreos.
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My office manager emailed all 400 employees to inform us that our new paper towel dispensers AREN’T automatic.
The human race is doomed.
Him: You look angry.
Me: *lowering the flame thrower*
Do I?
date: where did u get that, i don’t see that on the menu
me: (biting into my corn on the cob) i bring my own corn on the cob
[blind date]
So,where you from?
[eyes turn black]
T h E S E v E n T H C i R C L e O F H e L L
Oh nice. ever miss it?
[cries blood]
Y e s
Sorry for loudly singing “Whoomp there it is!” when you took your pants off. It’s been a while.
[at work party]
Hey Bill…weird, have you always been a scotch guy?
Bill (eating directly from tape dispenser): I stick with it.
[driving test]
me: did I pass?driving instructor, on Zoom: I literally have no idea, this isn’t legal
Me: Alexa, play “You should see me in a crown”
Alexa: I’d like to see you in some pants
People say that Twitter is pointless but it’s teaching my children to be self sufficient.
– What have you come as?
– A Werewolf.
– But… they’re your normal clothes.
– It’s not a full moon.
homeless guy said “hey there pretty lady, show me that smile, where’s that smile?” and I said “it’s at my house”
Is it me or do the unread books in the bookstore just seem shinier than the unread books at home?
When you swallow a spider in your sleep, eat some dead flies the morning after to ensure the spider gives you a positive Trip Advisor rating
I accidentally used dog shampoo this morning but I feel like such a good girl.
A ’diagnosis’ is always bad. No one says ”I was diagnosed with a great sense of humor and a new understanding of global economics.”
I can’t stop coughing. Think I’ll go see a movie in a crowded theater while slowly eating a bag of bone-dry popcorn.
Interviewer: Do you plan on having children?
Me: I have four, why start now?
Ever notice how people who say “Better to ask for forgiveness than permission” never actually ask for forgiveness, either?
Me: *quickly flips through each layer of a Big Mac like a wad of cash*
McDonald’s employee: [nervously assuring me] it’s all there I swear.
Me: *Buys nutribullet* will this baby take down a vegan?
Cashier: No, it’s not an actual bu…
Me: *loads nutrigun*
Cashier: What the heck?
Bought a bag of frozen chopped onions because wedding confetti should be biodegradable and bird safe.
Sorry I referred to your one-night-stand as “the nakey mistakey”.
15 just texted me that she was on her period and needed a chocolate bar.
How absorbent could a chocolate bar even be?!
What if life is just a big test to see how well we all treat birds?
“I just happen to love birds!” I yell out the window unconvincingly
COP: do you know why I pulled you over?
COP’S WIFE: *now next to him on the couch* Because you’re scared of the movie
COP: Yes it’s too real
Due to unforeseen circumstances, I will no longer be eating cheese I don’t remember putting in my purse
The crows I feed every day attacked a UPS delivery guy that startled me so I guess I now have my own little squad of personal assassins.
I only had a few friends before I got on Twitter.
Now I don’t have any.
Scientists named an aurora STEVE and y’all just let it happen.
Wife just read through all my tweets.
Her eyes are very slowly rolling back into place.