Interviewer : what’s your five year plan?
Me: Well after I start work, I might settle down, I’d like to get married somed-
[interviewer rips off his mask to reveal my mom] WHEN CAN I MEET HER
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Parenting is a minefield. Just because they loved Hotel Transylvania doesn’t mean they’ll love The Shining. Lesson learned.
How long past date can I eat eggs like are they still good or am I naming them now
Sesame Street gritty reboot:
The Burt Locker
My best acting work to date? has 2 be yesterday when I realized I was walking the wrong direction so I pretended to get a text message that changed EVERYTHING and FORCED me to turn around and walk the other way.
Tier 3 meme
“Anybody got any change?”
My body tenses as I whisper to my little zippered coin purse, “It’s go time.”
The IRS will never call, text, or e-mail just to ask if you’ve got plans to do something fun this weekend.
Venn
A dying fire will always attract a dad with a stick who will poke it twice and say, “…that should do it.”
Eaten so many blue cheese stuffed olives today that it feels like France and Greece are waging a war for land in my intestines.
I learn something new every day that I didn’t want to know.
Damn even I didn’t expect him to lift up the pizza lol
How does a pod of dolphins make a decision?
Flipper coin.
#DolphinDay
I’m not upset that you stopped my sneeze. I’m upset because you made my face look stupid for no reason.
SCHRÖDINGER: *Kneels down* Hey buddy, so… I have some news about your cat.
SON: Is it good news or bad news?
SCHRÖDINGER: Yes.
“Nevertheless”
~ Me, when choosing a piece of cake or pie
Girls get so turned on when you take charge. Grab her hair and tell her she needs a shampoo with no harsh sulfates and a new lip stain.
Ion see the issue
Brain: He mentioned marriage again. You know what to do.
*sets phone on fire*
I consider myself a loyal person but not dog of a homeless guy loyal…
I wish I had remembered this was a rectal thermometer before I’d put it in my mouth for 3 minutes.
My sweatpants sat me down and said they want me to get an office job again.
[sets up grandfather’s first computer]
ME: Okay, Grandpa… Just call me if you have any questions or problems.
[phone rings one hour later]
ME: Hello?
GRANDPA: WebMD says I’m pregnant.
Wife & son backing out in the car,
4yo: “So LONG, suckers!” [slams garage door]
4yo [opens door again]: “Not you Mommy!”
My son is playing his first soccer game tonight and I’m pretty stoked he wasn’t the first kid to start eating the grass
I came to this town with only 8 dollars in my pocket and I turned myself into a success. If it weren’t for the access to another $940K I had in the bank, it might have been damn near impossible.
my wife and i are having a hard time conceiving a highway so we’re considering adopting
Whenever I see a white van in the Taco Bell drive-thru, I instantly get jealous of the kidnapees in the back.
Me: I want to open a horse training facility. Call it a gymneighsium lol.
Bank manager: Get out.
Marriage is alright if you like someone coming home and telling you about their day in the middle of your movie