for dessert we’re having a discussion about why my girlfriend didn’t laugh at a joke i made 3 years ago
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Fish don’t seem that stupid to me. If a burrito dropped out of the sky and hung in mid air I’d prob eat it.
I have no passwords left in me
I’m never a more ineffective parent than when I accidentally make threats that rhyme.
Someone: he doesn’t look so good.
Someone else: we have to say the magic words!
Chanting: whiskey, bacon, tacos, pizza, whiskey, bacon, tacos, pizza…
Me: *slowly rises from the dead*
Teen boys either use a whole can of axe body spray or none at all. There’s no in between.
3.
The number of times you can flip a grilled cheese sandwich before you notice that you have the pan on the wrong burner…cuz of Twitter.
Worlds greatest photobomb
If you never include your body in your selfies, I am forced to assume that you don’t have one.
Carry on floating head selfie chick.
Starbucks needs a separate line for people who say “um”
I told my mom about some advice I gave my nephew and she replied “it’s great you did that, better from you than an adult”
*Romantically carries pizza over threshold
You know what’s worse than someone’s phone alarm playing the tune over and over? Someone else who starts whistling along.
DORA: “What was YOUR favorite part?!”
ME:
DORA:
ME:
DORA: “I like that part too.”
Not trying to brag but my son’s teacher wants his artwork to be looked at by a psychologist
What doesn’t kill you was only practicing.
[Shopping with teen son]
*sees hot girl*
*waits until she gets close*
*grabs box of adult diapers*“How are you doing on Depends bud?”
I packed 8 pairs of underwear for a 4 day trip to Vegas. I don’t know what kind of trip I think I’m gonna have but fingers crossed I have it!
Björk is probably my favorite singer named after the sound a dodgeball makes
When you do drugs, you’re also doing all the drugs that those drugs have done.
Flossed the day before a dentist appointment like I was cramming for a history test.
The part in Temple Of Doom where she reaches in the hole full of bugs, but me reaching into a pot of cold water in the sink to grab a fork.
My boss called in sick of me
[knock on door]
JEHOVAH’S WITNESS: do you have a few minutes to talk about jesus?
ME (hates gossip): no
sleep researchers agree that it may sound fun to set a favorite song as your wakeup alarm, but it will quickly make you hate the song. That’s why the scientific consensus is for everyone to use Drops Of Jupiter instead
Parenting is cheering on your kid’s winning softball team all weekend and then cheering on the Sunday rain for cancelling the rest of the games.
how do you get over the heartache of an ex whose cat ur never gonna see again?
*Looking through binoculars
Awww, it looks like she forgot her password. I should remind her what it is.
[gets found guilty of murder]
[sentenced to 3 years of listening to Pitbull on repeat]
[appeals]
[gets sentence reduced to lethal injection]
I hate people who get paid to write toddler’s books.
They put together like 20 words and then find something else to draw the pictures.
I don’t have a 17 step nightly skin regimen; I need that time to google if a Crocodile would win a fight with an Alligator.