We should have known how people would handle the pandemic after watching them drive.
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Border Patrol never did chase down that illegal baby food smuggler from Mexico. I heard he was so fast they nicknamed him Formula Juan.
If you go to jail for tax evasion, you are living off taxes for not paying taxes.
[me as a disc jockey]
me: you’re on the air
caller: please stop singing over the songs
Some of you keep touting donuts
as the best breakfast food …..But there are holes in your arguments.
Mechanic: Your car won’t pass inspection
Me: Here’s $20 to look the other way
Mechanic [looking other way]: Your car won’t pass inspection
My neighbor said, wow that skeleton looks almost real and I said I know and to think it was almost free.
Me: *pulls an apple out of my pocket*
Doctor: Easy now…let’s not get crazy.
technically you’re not on fire, the fire is on you. but yes i’ll get some water
“I hate being single,” she lied, lounging in her king-sized bed all to herself
it was 1997 i was outside McDonald’s on Queen St age 15, an old lady barked “speak English” at a pair of young Korean men and without missing a beat one of them goes “OOooo i want a nice cup of TEA look at ME I’m ENGLISH i want to eat PLAIN TOAST” i miss him every single day
Can I watch The Meg if I haven’t Seen The Peter, The Lois, The Chris, The Stewie or The Brian yet?
When I get bored on a Zoom meeting, I put a cursor under the speaker’s nose to make it look like they have a booger.
44.65
*click*
44.87*click*
44.96*click*
44.98*click*
44.99*click*
45.01~ gas pumps
If you know karate you shouldn’t have to pay for stuff.
how tf does a online class run out of seats when the seats not real 🤦🏾♂️
“We’re not buying another toy until Mommy gets laid!” might not be the most appropriate thing to yell in ToysRUs.
[Batman picking a catchphrase]
Bruce: what’s good for the Bruce is good for the Gander
Alfred: nothing to do with bats/gives away your identity
Bruce: i’mma throw two Bruce’s up on crime
Alfred: *rubbing temples* how about “i’m Batman”
Bruce: you’re cruising for a Bruce-ing
[bum holds his hand out]
“can I have some change?”
change comes from within
“thank u. now I’m not poor anymore”
My anchor tattoo is so realistic I can’t get out of the bathtub.
This Halloween I’m going as a pissy woman who eats all the good candy and doesn’t answer the door after 8pm.
Love will tear us apart. Also, bears, wolves and some other woodland creatures.
Me: Have you tried turning it off and on again?
Helicopter pilot: …no.
I was on a search party in the forest last night.
Bit of a boring party.
We found a dead guy though.
We’ve all got that one family member who’s an embarrassment and this restraining order suggests my family’s settled on me.
I’ve done a lot of crazy things in my life. Things I’m not proud of. Things I should be ashamed of. And I hope I’m not finished.
Dolls on drugs
[sees a shredded guy at the gym]
Me: cake tho
*being abducted by aliens*
Hey thanks guys it was getting pretty rough down there. What we got goin’ on, snack-wise?
[plane hurtling toward earth in ball of fiery wreckage]
me [to person on my left]: are they coming around for trash again or did i miss it?