Marriage counsellor: What’s the problem?
Wife: He is so literal. It drives me mad.
MC: And how do you feel, Stephen?
Me: With my hands.
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Robert is an ass man
Robert goes to the club
Robert sees a curvy girl
Robert comes up behind her
Robert Palmer
Piñatas give kids unrealistic expectations of how much candy spills out of a donkey when you split one open
“Hey Alexa, didn’t I unplug you?”
Alexa: *cackles maniacally*
[First Date]
Her: Sorry, but your profile pic was misleading.
Oatmeal Raisin Cookie: I never *said* this was chocolate. You just *assumed*
Beatles were all like “We love women.”
Zeppelin was all like “Bitch, I’m gonna leave you.”
*wears an “Only God Can Judge Me” t-shirt to court*
I’m a go getter
And right now I’m a go getter nap
What the kids in the Etch A Sketch commercials could draw:
mountains, murals and beautiful landscapesWhat I could draw:
damaged stairs
I yell at couples buying houses like normal people yell at sports on tv
all you need for a winnie the pooh costume is a red tshirt and courage
[Google search history]
Moles
How to kill moles
How to make homemade bombs
Rescue moles from cave-in
Dealing with regret
Mole stew
Text: CMAO
Me: I think you mean LMAO, for “Laughing my ass off.”
That guy in 127 Hours who got his arm trapped under a boulder: No.
You guys realize St. Valentine was beheaded, right?
My 4 yr old niece is on the hyper side so my brother-in-law was trying to teach her about behaving and said “little girls are made of sugar and spice and what else?” and in her best batman voice she replied, “BLOOD AND BONES.”
The first guy who bought pants had to go to the store without pants on, that’s just science
[first date]
OK don’t let her know you’re a snail
Waiter: Would you like some salt?
[flips table over] OH HELL NO [bolts out real slowly]
Fixing my grandma’s computer and I see that her search history is about seven various spellings of the name of the last guy I dated.
My wife suggested taking Ecstasy to help with sex and so far she’s banged three neighbors and the UPS guy
Possibly the finest painting I’ve ever done. My wife says it’s a mantlepiece!
One of my favourite places to find a giggle @funTweeters timeline ☺
Me: So, what do you do for a living?
Her: I flip houses.
Me: You must have incredible lower back strength.
Her: You’re an idiot.
Buzz: hey Neil where do cows come from?
Neil: I dunno where
Buzz: the moooon haha
..
..
*single gunshot*
Neil: uh Houston we have a problem
I really hope my 2 year old daughter is this difficult to get into bed when she’s 18
Grand Theft Auto reminds me of Florida. Except one lets you shoot people without consequence and the other is a video game.
me: hi i’ve come to pick up my suit
tailor: ok what name is it
me: i dunno maybe trevor the tux or something
Fun prank. Tell your bf you’re getting your hair done. Leave. Don’t get your hair done. When you come back & he says it looks great stab him
Just saw a tiktok of a family introducing their newborn to their cat and after it smelled the baby it went to another room and threw up LMFAO
ME: The word “thief” should be spelled “theif” or we should change how it is pronounced to “thigh-ff” but “thief” always seems incorrect.
COP: While I agree with you, you are still extremely under arrest, lol.
I carry my checkbook with me everywhere just in case someone wants to be paid in the least convenient way possible.
My girlfriend left a tampon at my apartment and idk where the left one is. Anyone know where I can get a single left tampon to keep a set here for emergencies?