Birds of a feather flock together, as they are racists too.
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I got a text from an unknown number that said “Game on.”
It’s either a wrong number, or someone wants to wear my skin like a suit.
FYI a woman in Italy told me it’s healthy to eat pasta every day as long as you only eat lasagna on the weekends I am seeking no further nutrition opinions at this time
My twins’ pre school taught them both how to sing Baby Shark in French so I’m just checking do I sue for double the amount or…
My kid was struggling to solve a complex math problem and tried unsuccessfully to ask Alexa for help. Being the responsible parent I am, I explained the best way to crowdsource a solution is to post the wrong answer on Reddit and 500 peeps will correct you in minutes.
“OPEN THE DOOR IT’S THE POLICE”
who is it?
“POLICE”
what is a police
*cops start whispering*
“how does he not know what a police is”
Singin’ in the Rain is a beloved Oscar-winning classic, but singin’ on the train will get you harsh stares and a six seater all to yourself.
Interviewer: Do you mind explaining why you’re late?
Me: I didn’t want to give you the false impression that I’ll always be early.
I get really offended when people expect me to share just because I bought the “share size” pack. I bought that size to share with myself, not you
80% of marriage is pointedly yelling an irritated “WHAT?!” to make your spouse understand that there’s no chance in hell you can hear what s/he’s saying from five rooms away, around three corners, down two hallways, and over the cacophonous screams of hyper children.
According to all these BMI charts…
I DEFINITELY need to get taller next year.
Store was out of the size I requested, so this was their substitute and now I gotta open a diner
DOCTOR [hitting me with his car] This is for not eating that apple
(drops a Cheetoh on the ground)
ants: seize him
I signed up to bring fruit for my toddler’s holiday party at daycare. It turns out the class’s favorite fruit is blueberries which need to be cut into quarters, and I should have signed up to bring cookies.
There is no bigger liar than the person who named the everything bagel.
Satan’s first act in the bible was to suggest that people eat more fruit.
No wonder we all hate him.
[at TED talk]
OMG that man is having a heart attack! Anyone here a doctor?
*entire crowd stands*
No a MEDICAL doctor
*entire crowd sits*
If they cause you to have anxiety & panic attacks the majority of your relationship, move on.
In related news, I just broke up with my mom
I’m in shock. I caught my houseghost naked… ironing his sheet.
Him: I like you.
Me: I’ll soon put a stop to that.
I DON’T WANT YOUR PITY but I’ll take it.
5 just asked if I was older than Grandma so Christmas at our house is canceled.
Me: okay I have pizza, wings, nacho dip, mozza…
Him: hell yes, Super Bowl Sunday!
Me *mouth full of food*: uper ol wat?
Having kids is like living with an on-line troll you can’t unfollow.
Wife: Please stop telling people you bought me on eBay. It’s not funny
[Later]
Them: So how did you two meet?
Me: I did NOT buy her on eBay
Life Hack: Let your toddler throw Cheez-Its down your heat vents so your house can smell like the home of your dreams
I always feel ripped off when someone asks if they can “sneak by you”, but then you say yes and they just walk by and aren’t sneaky at all.
So Nickelback is playing a flood relief concert for Alberta. Like those folks haven’t suffered enough.
I keep a length of dental floss inside my perpetually furrowed brow.
[post sex]
Her: I wonder what he’s thinking about, I hope it wasn’t bad
Me: if you made tea from lizards it’d be called chamomeleon