i did the math and a second job would help me get out of debt as long as i start it twelve years ago
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I come from a long line of successful people.
I decided to stop that tradition.
You guys, how can true love still exist if we don’t have mixed tapes anymore?
My 4 year old nephew once stopped in the middle of soccer game to yell out to his mom that he smelled BBQ.
We are clearly related.
As the argument over the best way to dispose of a body escalated, I realized the date was going well.
yet another student using CatGPT to do their schoolwork
HOT LOCAL SINGLES WANT TO MEET YOU SO THEIR FELONIOUS BOYFRIENDS CAN STEAL YOUR I-PHONE
Can’t tell if they’re hitting on me here?
People are teaching their dogs how to skateboard and my dog’s chart at the vet says “must be picked up, won’t walk”.
Smears cigarette ashes on forehead so I can show up late for work.
[accidentally calls teacher “mom”]
MY BRAIN: shit, play it cool. say something.
ME: what’s for dinner tonight
BRAIN: what
Thinking about having bacon and bacon for dinner.
Next time you take your dog for a walk, dress like a cop & pretend to be searching the neighborhood for drugs.
*carves turkey
*puts candle inside and places it on doorstep
by age 35 you should hate at least 4 neighborhood kids
[Bee Gees voice]
you can tell by the way I use my walk,
that I stepped in shit,
while in the park
Occasionally, the universe will send a sniffly stranger to stand too close to you in the store and inexplicably follow you through a couple aisles. Just for funsies
Cop: Are you drunk?
Me: um if I was drunk, could I do this?
*stands on one foot*
Cop: ok first of all, ow
my girlfriend and i are on a little road trip and she’s driving, which means it’s my job to look out the window and periodically say “horsies” or “cows”
me: why does nobody like me
therapist: have you considered that you can be a little dramatic
me: [lifting my head to reveal mascara streaming down my face] how
Plot twist: I knock on Jehovah’s Witnesses doors. “I’d like to talk to you about modern science “
“hush little baby” is my favorite lullaby that teaches infants about rampant consumerism
want to make it creepy? just add in my pants to whatever
Merry Christmas…in my pants
Happy New Year…in my pants
You can’t die, man! Not right now. Not on my watch! *lifts dead body and pulls watch put from under it*
My zodiac sign is pistachio
I just sent a screen shot of my drunken tweets to my friends & they are still asking if I can come pick them up
my favorite part of nascar is when I vomit all over my shirt and car after the race., desecrating the logos of the brands that enslave me
Welcome to your 40s: here’s ten pounds.
pirate: shiver me timbers
me: *crochets a tiny sweater for his peg leg*
Spotify: hey, we make playlists catered to your unique tastes.
Spotify user: listens to 18 hours of Mongolian throat singing, Icelandic drumming bands and a peruvian death metal band.
Spotify: pls listen to drake
Me: How many times do I have to ask you to brush your teeth?
10: Why is it called a building if it’s already built?