i know a guy who loves saying “best thing since sliced bread” and i imagine hes always at a grocery store lookin at bread and just losing it
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The first 36 years of my childhood have been the hardest.
What helps a pedophile walk and do his job?
A Candy Cane.
Movie makers: keep them under 2.5 hours. Bladders everywhere will thank you.
So when Steve Jobs started Apple in his garage he was an “innovator” but when I work out of my garage I’m “under arrest” for “selling meth.”
[robbing Whole Foods]
“All the cash in a bag NOW!”
100% organic reusable bag ok?
“Yes!”
[puts half the cash] I had to charge for the bag
Sorry ISIS but we already have a religious state that nobody likes and is full of people that hate modern thinking: it’s called Kansas.
Jesus, take the wheel!
*steering wheel disappears*
*car careens into tree*
Don’t look at me like you’ve never eaten a turkey leg in the shower
This gum has my stomach convinced food is coming.
*eating a brick of cheese like a stick of butter, which I eat like a burrito, which I eat like an ear of corn*
I hate it when people don’t behave the way I thought they would when I rehearsed the conversation in my head.
People: cats are so detached and just do their own thing
My cats: are you getting up for 20 seconds to get a glass of water?? I’ll come with you, gonna meow the whole time, hey bud so are we going back to bed or chilling on the couch? I am gonna be a nuisance in either location
Tear gas is the saddest gas.
*walks into interview*
Thanks for coming in today. I’m Mr. Maballsonya, but please call me Phil.
*walks out of interview*
Watched a nature documentary with my daughter and as the hungry polar bear approached the abandoned seal pup she said, “Oh, good, the polar bear is going to help her!” and sometimes I really wish I saw the world like a 12 y/o.
I’m so sick of answering questions about the age difference between my kids, so I’ve started telling people the oldest one came with the house.
Got out of jury duty yesterday by confessing to the crime
Law enforcement’s cracking down on texting while driving, but there’s no law against standing up and playing saxophone through your sunroof.
My daughter kept saying the new puppies name over and over again only pausing to take breaths. I finally had to tell her “if that thing doesn’t bite you I’m going to” this is how we summer
I told someone that I’d be happy to set up a meeting with them at their convenience and they scheduled it for 4 o’clock on a Friday so I reported them to HR
My boss told me I look tired, so now I call her mom.
I need a note so I can get out of having sex with my husband.
Gynecologist: …
Yes I’ve gained weight. Too many people wanted to have sex with me. It was annoying.
Me: *plays imaginary playground game with my boys where we’re a crew flying through deep space on the hunt for storm troopers, armed only with our wits and pretend lightsabers on a fantastical, mysterious journey aboard our supersonic spaceship*
6yo: Are we there yet?
One time I knocked my hot curling iron off the sink & caught it in my open palm because I have the catlike reflexes of a dim-witted ninja.
4yo: mom the whistle makes my brain hurt
me: same
4yo: *blows whistle again*
I was really happy when Miss 10 came in especially to see me when I was feeling unwell the other day. She looked at me and asked is the cat in here and left.
2020 became the year I purchased a printer and remembered that printers are the hardest problem in computer science.
Wow… Gmail’s auto reply has gotten really good
*trapped in a sinking car*
I should call 911
*car fills with water*
Ugh I hate phone calls
*head barely above water*
Can I just text them