Good morning to everyone except people that can tell the difference between ‘Under Pressure’ and ‘Ice Ice Baby’ as soon at the song starts.
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It’s fun finding love notes my wife hides around the house, it would be even better if they were for me
Who named it an army ant and not a combatant?
What idiot called it Oktoberfest instead of Octo-Bar?
[Garden of Eden]
EVE: If I eat the apple I get to leave?
GOD: Get to?
ADAM SANDLER: Eatin that appley bappodoodaly
EVE: Yes, get to.
Everyone’s all worried about World War III. Worry about the important shit. Batman’s fighting Superman in 2016.
TSA agent: Ma’am you’re alarming in your abdomen.
Me, starving: You can hear that?!?
Them: …
Me: …
Them: It’s the drawstrings on your pants.
Me: They’re hungry too?!?
4: mom can I sing just a short song?
me: yes
4: ok its only just three hours long I promise
narrator: it was in fact, only just three hours long
Oh, calm down… One Cobra bite and you’re falling to pieces!
The beastie boys didn’t prepare me for all of the rights we actually have to fight for.
I like to listen to Anu Malik’s music while I study because he is a constant reminder on why it’s important to get educated.
A friend was talkin about her expensive face lotion. She said she was confused about it runnin out so fast. She finally asked her husband & he said he wondered why she kept buyin such tiny bottles. Fool was using it on his whole body😭. Said it was silkiest skin era of HIS LIFE
ME: This electric toothbrush knocked a few of my teeth loose.
DENTIST: That’s an egg beater.
Me: tries to sleep
Brain:
M:
B:
M:
B:
M:
B: if one synchronized swimmer drowns do the others have to drown too?
1-year-old: *screeches*
3-year-old: *screeches back*
Me: What’s wrong?
3: We’re dinosaurs
I had to ban pterodactyls fights in the house.
No Amazon, I don’t want to sort stuff by “Price: High to Low,” who are the billionaires who would even make that an option?
Me: I’m terrified and jealous of your violent happiness.
Friend That Knows How To Tap Dance: I understand.
[flies trespassing in my house] release the frogs.
I am very, very sick but a neighbor just rode his bike down the street screaming “WE ARE NOT GETTING ANY MORE ANIMALS!!!” while being chased by his 3 small children on their (decreasingly smaller) bikes who kept chanting “HAMSTER! HAMSTER! HAMSTER!” and I had to share
I preface this by stating that I love my local library but, seriously, how difficult would it be for them to add a bar? Nothing fancy – just a few spirits, domestic beer. But oh no, apparently there are ‘other places’ better suited to accommodate such things!
me: WTF all the shelves are empty
sales guy: yeah this is Ikea
[pulls into taco bell drive thru]
Hi, I’d like enough tacos to forget 2016
You owe a corporation money: one member of your family will be drone strike’d daily until the debt is repaid
Corporation owes you money: if you can answer the mysterious hermit’s three riddles, the first of 80 payments in Indonesian rupiah will be made within 12-16 weeks
I’ve never seen Die Hard but I assume it’s about a dude who dies during sex?
On the internet it’s super easy to take credit for stuff you had nothing to do with. That’s why I invented it.
Its ridiculous that Wile E. Coyote is remembered for his anger issues and not for his amazing & realistic paintings of fake tunnels.
I remember when hashtag meant it was your turn to fill the pipe.
*wife walks in*
*sees cheese balls everywhere*
*shakes head*“what? 8 won’t get better at catching food in his mouth if we don’t practice”
I’m calling about the poster for your missing cat. Why not ask the guy who took that picture? Just kidding, I ran over it.
Shout out to political bumper stickers, changing nobody’s mind and lowering the value of your car and whatnot.