Californians complain when it rains then complain when there’s a drought. Cmon guys do we wanna be wet or not!!
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Can I get a piña colada please.
‘This is Starbucks’
Sorry, can I have venti piña colada.
MEDICAL EXAMINER: According to the autopsy, the victim did not actually know karate
MY GHOST: noooooooo
Mechanic: Your car won’t pass inspection.
Me: Here’s $20 to look the other way.
Mechanic [looking the other way]: Your car won’t pass inspection.
Credit card company called to ask about some charges on my statement.
It wasn’t a fraud check. They were just questioning my life choices.
Detective : Where were you on the night in question?
Me: Wut?
Detective: Don’t play dumb with us.
Her: Oh, he’s not playing.
You, dumb: Can I ask you a question?
Me, brilliant linguist: That’s literally the only type of thing you can ask
A gentle reminder that all your panic buying will be going out of date soon. Enjoy your 36 egg omelette, you fat wankers.
[hitchhiking]
Driver: I hope you’re not a serial killer, haha
Me *getting in*: well, I wouldn’t say ’serial‘
I changed my car horn to gunshot sounds. People move out of the way much faster now.
If by “anything” you mean “anything I can do from my couch,” then yes, I will do anything for you.
My daughter has written a homage to the chicken kebab. I am delighted. I wonder how my vegetarian husband feels about this..
Me: who’s a good dog? who’s a good dog?
Dog: i have a boyfriend
I’m not getting in a self-driving car until we can figure out how to prevent automatic toilets from flushing while you’re still using ’em
Neanderthal: *flirting* you know what they say, once you go Neanderthal you never go back at all
Scientist: why do they say that?
Neanderthal: because I smashed your time machine
“You’ll sleep when I’m dead” — my phone
Person is typing…
Person is typing…
Person is typing…
Person is typing…
Person is typing…
Person is typing…
Person says: hi
even after eight years of being a dog parent i am still amazed daily how quickly and brazenly my seat gets stolen
on my driver’s license I look like a hobo
in person, I am groomed and wearing decent clothes
the bartender studies my ID, studies my face, then says to my girlfriend, “good job”
tfw you have a meeting with your boss, and you aren’t entirely sure if you quit or if you got fired but you definitely don’t work there anymore
Forgot to use a coupon my wife gave me so now I have to hide it like it’s a dead body.
The reason a dog has so many friends is because he wags his tail instead of his tongue. 🐕
Now whenever a kid draws a Rectangle they have to pay Apple a dollar.
Anyone else wake up in a grass skirt and coconut bra?
I never needed anything more in my life
A case of yoo-hoos, canned spaghetti and xanax. I’m like a 6 year old with anxiety and a driver’s license.
(me to my doctor) if you don’t have anything nice to say you shouldn’t say anything at all
[15mins into yard work]
my body: yeah… no.
Buys new collar for my dog. It’s too big! Apparently he thinks it’s jewelry and won’t let me take it off.
Game developer: his name is Donkey
Nintendo: nice
Developer: he’s a gorilla
Nintendo: ok twist
Developer: who wears a necktie
Nintendo: hm anything else? pants?
Developer: how would a gorilla put on pants?
Nintendo: right, yeah I wasn’t thinking
I asked when my gym membership was up and the dude said “day before Valentine’s Day” like I’m some genius who knows when Valentine’s Day is.