It’s always the last 10-15 peanut butter cups that you end up regretting.
You Might Also Like
Boss: Dan why is your hand raised?
Me: can I go to the bathroom?
Boss: Dan you’re 23. This is a business meeting
Me: so that’s a yes?
ISIS frequently takes credit for random attacks even when they had nothing to do with them, making ISIS basically the Fat Jew of terrorism
The Bible Belt – the land where you pretend not to recognize each other in the liquor store.
All cats can totally do taxes, they just won’t.
One of the scariest things is when you say something that forces your wife to take off her glasses before she responds.
I just ordered a set of dumbbells, so that’ll be a fun new thing to trip over while I search for the remote.
I will never forget the time that I helped interview a man for a job opening and when he was asked what he would contribute to the team he said “probably snacks”
Never, ever ask a woman if she’s pregnant unless you see an actual baby being born. Even then, act surprised.
doctors won’t tell you this but reattaching a limb isn’t that hard what’s hard is getting it to stay after it’s had a taste of freedom
I put two pairs of cargo pants in my cargo pants pockets, just in case I need more cargo pants.
It’s October which means it’s basically Halloween which means Thanksgiving is right around the corner which means it’s pretty much Christmas so Happy New Year everyone.
If you make a simple mistake but fix it right away, what year will your spouse finally let it go?
Finding out that the majority of microplastics come from tire dust should be a call to rethink our push for electric cars, and consider the environment-friendly potential of moving castles
Good Cop: step away from the ledge
Cat Cop [pushes person off] oops
Biggest conspiracy I believe in is that DiCaprio’s relationships are all advertising campaigns for their modeling firms and he’s been quietly married to Tobey Maguire since 2017
Swiss Army knives should come with a first aid attachment.
A great way to make people nervous is to tell them where the bathroom is without their asking.
Everyone keeps asking me if I’m okay, and I think it’s because I keep showing up to places looking like I was hit by a truck.
Twitter action film:
MAN 1: Follow me.
MAN 2: On Twitter?
MAN 1: No. Physically, follow me. Or you’ll be killed.
MAN 2: On Twitter?
Milk Cube
Hell yes, I have the body of a Greek god: nice abs, expressionless eyes, genitals shot off by bored soldiers during The Franco-Prussian War
We had a pleasant conversation about how we hate talking to people and then he said that this is a good reason for us to…
Me: … fall in love?
Him: … stop talking to each other.
Doctor: This patient needs exercise. Get him a walker. No that’s a zombie I wanted a walk-oh I see what you did there, nurse
[Everyone dies]
I thought I was doing a good deed today but long story short I stole my neighbor’s cat
Random person: How are you?
Me: you too.
philosophy professor: you must question everything
[later]
me: *grabs lamp and shakes it* what have you been doing all day, you piece of shit
Me: *getting too close to smell a candle* This one smells like burnt hair. Weird choice.
Who wants to hear about my Wordle streak? Anyone? Hey, where ya guys going?
Kids at bedtime are like a nine page food blog for a simple ramen noodle recipe
FRIEND: you should really try Zumba, I’m in the best shape since high school
ME: *not really paying attention* oh yeah
*two weeks later watching my Roomba on my couch*
ME: ive never felt better in my life