If your kids are playing and it gets totally quiet, then you hear one say “you’re okay, you’re okay,” they are definitely NOT okay.
You Might Also Like
[mom and pop shop]
Me: *sniffling* one mom please
[vasectomy]
Doctor: how did that vase get in there, again?
and then you go like this
and then you go like this
and then you go like this– me on my own cooking show
I regret teaching my boyfriend about make up. I made a snarky comment to him and he goes “first of all, blend your contour before you come for me like that”
When you’re single and decide to go out for dinner on Valentine’s Day.
Well, maybe they shouldn’t have asked me to play lawn darts while my ex was standing there like some sort of human target.
Boomers will say no one makes good music anymore then put on some Bob Dylan song that sounds like a bridge troll’s riddle being played in reverse
Officer, I know I was speeding, but you have to let me go. I’m running late to a concert and I’m the guy who brings the giant beach ball.
LOAN OFFICER: I’m just a little unclear on the details.
DAVE: What are you not getting? I have 3 adoptive sons that are musicians and also chipmunks. They are obviously quite small and thus require custom instruments, for which I need a loan. Why is this so complicated?
Quoting famous dead people on the internet is stupid.
~Confucius
Okay, I’m still confused…
I’d totally bang him, but how awkward would the job interview be after that?
I had a stormy relationship with my mother, mostly because she was a cumulus cloud
Oh, you have ‘haterz.’
Congratulations. I have lovers. And the ability to spell.
If you aren’t tying damsels in distress to railroad tracks while laughing maniacally, your curly moustache is going to waste
Everytime I see my see my neighbors having sex in their hot tub, I think to myself “I can’t believe I’m recording this”
Yesterday my kid looked into my eyes and said “I love you so much daddy” then punched me in the face.
I have never seen a single “when animals attack” video that I wasn’t rooting for the animal.
Me: I’ll have a small drink.
Fast food worker: We don’t have a small. We only have large and medium.
Me: *grabs him by collar* THE SMALLEST SIZE CANNOT BE MEDIUM! THAT LITERALLY MEANS MIDDLE!
vampire: *goes to bite me*
me: ohhh nooo don’t make me immortal and super strong and sexy aaaahhh
Everytime a suburban white kid throws up a gang sign, an angel misses brunch.
Stop with the DiCaprio jokes. They’re getting old.
[first day as pilot]
Me (on intercom): if you look to your right you’ll see the Pacific Ocean. And to your left also the Pacific Ocean. Above you is the Pacific Ocean.
remember covid? good times *gets into nuclear bunker*
japanese corn
Today is the day I write something beautifully profound
No. That was it. I’m going back to bed
Having a little nap on the sofa before taking myself up to bed for my main sleep; I call that a snors d’oeuvre.
*getting kidnapped
Me: Thank you.
Kiss me you fool.
Embrace me you dolt.
Cuddle me you simpleton.
Marry me you megalomaniac.
HAVE MY BABY YOU GARBAGE PERSON.
People who sound like fonts: Ariana Grande. Roman Roy. Jim Courier. Lydia West. Bon Iver. Suella Braverman. Jesse Ventura