Me: They say this virus is dangerous for older people
My grandfather: It’s a Grampademic
Me:
My grandfather: The Grampacalypse
Me:
My grandfather: Grandmageddon
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The most elusive of all creatures is the camo camo camo camo camo chameleon
My daughter just came into the kitchen to finish getting ready to go out. So now I’m making a cheese, bacon and hairspray omelette.
Stop telling men beards alone will make women love them when everyone knows they need to play the guitar too.
“Daddy, are vampires real?”
“No, sweetie. Go back to bed.”*waits until daughter is asleep*
*grabs red Sharpie*
*draws 2 dots on her neck*
I saw a smart car pass a Jeep today. The Jeep was parked on the side of the road, but still.
*gently places finger on caroler’s lips*
you had me at “O come”
[rap battle]
Opponent: *crushes it*
Me: Oh, I… umm. I thought this was something else… *hastily hides plastic wrap behind back*
[first date]
HER: I really like you
ME: I like you too
HER: So did you bring protection?
ME: *gesturing to my bodyguard* Yeah, this is Tony
Hell is just you and your dog as he takes revenge for all the times you shouted “Squirrel!” when there was no squirrel.
Everybody has a method to their twitter madness. Don’t critique mine, and I won’t critique yours. If you don’t like how I do it, unfollow.
Smooth criminal but it’s just me opening a bag of chips after everyone’s in bed.
When a woman has her husband’s last name, my first assumption is that they got married in their 20s. I feel like by your 30s, you’ve absolutely maxed out on paperwork.
10 puts the paper toilet roll on in the “under” position.
long story short he’s by the road with a for sale sign on.
me: let’s do the sexy time!
wife: did you get your chores done?
me: *kicking dirt* no I still need to vacuum
Mark Strong is Stanley Tucci’s dark twin and we don’t even talk about it.
Spice up your boring roofing job by wearing roller skates.
TOUGH GUY: *pointing to his arm* I got this scar saving a child from a burning building.
ME: *pointing to my face* I got this one bobbing for pineapples.
ME: *pleased* Honey, I folded the dishes.
WIFE:
M:
W: The laundry.
M: No the dish…
W:
M:
W: What?
M: We need new dishes.
Please don’t be curly
Please don’t be curly
Please don’t be curlyI pray to myself as I pull a hair from my mouth while eating Chinese food
If a bear wears shoes and socks he still has bear feet.
A mummy comes back to life, and is disappointed to be desiccated and decayed.
“This was a better idea on papyrus”
How long do you have to work at KFC before they make you a colonel?
Officer: do you know why I pulled you over?
Me: pass
Officer: have you been drinking?
Me: pass
Officer: You can’t just keep..
Me: pass
In today’s episode of “My Kids will be the Death of Me,” we examine why the top of the stairs is the most popular place to play
2019: no carbs
2020: eats a loaf of Wonder Bread out of the bag like it’s popcorn at the movies
Who called it intermittent fasting and not snackrificing
Every marriage has one person who throws things out, and a garbage-loving chaos goblin who says “But I was saving that!”
Her: *hands me her baby*
Me: *drops it*
Her:
Me: So, is there like a five second rule or…?
Foal me once, I have a baby horse. Foal me twice, no one needs this many baby horses. Foal me thrice, please stop. I have no room for them.