Melania Trump doesn’t want to live in the same place as her husband.
More than half of America feels the same way.
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<sniffle> <snort> <sniffle>
<snuffle> <wheeze> <cough> <sniff> <snuffle>
<ah> <ahhh> <aaaaahhh> <HAIKU!!!>
The only time you should be faking it is when your pet checks to see if you’re awake
friend: what day is it today
me: it’s mar 10
friend: like mario!
me: itsa mar 10
i actually don’t have any problems, i only go therapy to brag
best thing about tennis is the way the lifeguard shouts the score
°pulls up to drive-thru°
[ME] ONE NUMBER 4 WITH A COKE
[FREIND] aren’t you on a diet
[ME] oh yeah..AND A BOOK ABOUT MANNERS FOR MY FRIEND
Neighbor: Your dog barks a lot.
Me: Isn’t your kid the one that plays her recorder outside every summer?
N: So?
M: So, I can’t help you.
I quit dating because I’m a germaphobe and also because my husband was getting annoyed
Imagine being The Sun and finding out there is an entire line of glasses devoted to thwarting your vibe
GOD: u wanna go back to earth?
JESUS: why
GOD: to absolve man of sin
JESUS: ehh
GOD: you’d get two birthdays
JESUS: let me get my coat
Today, I’ve been cleaning. And by cleaning I mean drinking wine and spraying everything with Febreze.
kid: *reading ouija board* she says you should vacuum
mom: who?
kid: grandma. she’s coming back
mom: honey grandma died years ago
[urn falls off mantle]
mom: get the—
kid: —vacuum?
You’ll never convince me people eat raisins for any other reason than by accident.
Cats can use their whiskers to navigate in the dark. I use my toes. And shins. And lots of cursing.
In my defense, it was my first eulogy. I assumed it was supposed to rhyme.
If all your friends jumped off a bridge, would you Instagram it?
If a cougar left her teeth next to my bed in a glass of water was that a tip? Do I have to change the water? Do I feed them like goldfish?
Things are finally coming to a head.
~inspirational zit
THE TITANIC WAS A REAL SHIP??????
Why non-smokers don’t take bubble blowing breaks is beyond me
Me: *petting my cat*
My cat: yes, this is great. Ok stop. I said stop. YOU HAVE VIOLATED THE SACRED TREATY THAT HAS EXISTED BETWEEN MAN AND FELINE FOR A THOUSAND GENERATIONS AND NOW YOUR HAND WILL BE DESTROYED BY MY PAW KNIVES.
Why do people always make such a fuss over how much a newborn weighs? It’s a baby, not a stash of heroin.
Frankly, I don’t know how Jason and Freddy put up with all the screaming
Rasputin never died that day, as an immortal being. He hid for decades, before dropping the “Ras” and slipping back into Russian politics.
I accidentally got my blow up doll pregnant.
Related: I’ve got some balloons for sale.
Feeling so jealous of the students in stone age. They didn’t have to study history too much because nothing had happened yet.
A toddler waves his stuffed snow leopard and shouts “tiger!” From my purse, I retrieve my big cat field guide to do the job his parents failed to do.
Remember being young and having your whole life in front of you? Now my back hurts most days and I get unreasonably angry when a car engine is too loud.
Me: HAIL SATAN!!
Her: What?
Me: I mean, your sister is on the phone.