*first day as a detective*
Partner: Three sets of prints, but only one body
Me: *nods* Yes. That means there’s *counts on fingers* more people that aren’t dead
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[waiting at the dentist]
Me: *eating a sleeve of Oreos while maintaining eye contact with the receptionist*
Being a grammar perfectionist with big hamds and a small keyboard is the reason I have amger issues.
I always chalk the pool cue as if it is going to make a difference
(Scientist: On average, you swallow at least three spiders when you’re sleeping)
Me: That’s the last time I allow scientist to watch me sleep
When your bucket of KFC starts talking about the afterlife, that is some deep fried chicken.
Anyone else notice your clothes only get caught on door handles when you are already angry or annoyed???
If dogs take after their owners, I need to work on my posture.
Did Batman know that Alfred was embezzling billions to finance a 4-person Magic act that was a front for robbing banks?
I don’t understand parents who always think their kids are blameless, I always assume mine are guilty and hope to be pleasantly surprised
When the nun comes around to collect the offerings, I shell out a handful of change and a cucumber then give her a wink and a thumbs up.
The most inquisitive of all the dinosaurs was the philosoraptor.
If you are dissolving someone in a vat it’s no longer an acid problem, it’s an acid solution.
May someone of my non-German mutuals explain German Burger King to me:
customer service: so the vacuum works just fine but you want to return it cuz it’s… too loud?
me: [looks over at dog] that is correct
The scene from Shawshank Redemption where Andy’s free & kneeling in the rain, except it’s me after any conversation with my mom finally ends
Appetizer is the Latin word meaning I’m hungry now and don’t wanna wait for big food
8 PM- “Tomorrow, when I wake up, I’m going to make an actual breakfast with eggs, toast, bacon, & hash browns”
8 AM- *grabs cold pizza from the fridge*
My retirement plan is to become a cat.
my neighbor just told me about an alien sighting he had that was just a regular southwest boeing 737 in the sky but he said he could see into the cockpit with binoculars and there was an alien flying it
Not to brag but my wife bought toothpaste because she thought it was almost empty and I squeezed out paste for two more months.
The most stressful part of my day is when my 5 year old shows me what he made in Arts & Crafts and I have to guess what it is.
Just realized the girl I flipped off in the parking lot is in my next class.. This could be awkward.
My calendar says I have 18 meetings left this week. Time to go lick Maria in accounting; she’s coming down with flu.
Orion’s belt? Waist of space!
Me: When I was lying in bed, I found this huge lump. I need it removed.
Doctor: Ma’am, that’s your husband.
Me: And your point is…?
If you had asked me what the hardest part of battling a global pandemic would be I would have never guessed, “teaching elementary school math.”
If someone sits too close to me on a bench, I stare straight ahead and say “Did you bring the money?”
So, wearing fur is wrong but wearing a Hawaiian shirt is OK? Do they even know how many Hawaiians had to die to make that shirt?
Whoever decided to make Peeps flavored Pepsi and NOT call it Peepsi committed the biggest fumble in the history of sugar