My wife left me home alone with the kids to go out drinking with her friends. A lesser man might whine and complain, but instead I’m just playing Chumbawamba’s 1997 hit “Tubthumping” over and over and over. On the jukebox at their bar. Using the TouchTunes app.
You Might Also Like
Me at dinner on a first date: I’m not answering any more questions without a lawyer.
When you take that selfie, make sure your bathroom mirror doesn’t look like a small mouse had a sex party on it the night before.
[At the gym before someone teaches me the word spotting]: “hey bro will you take care of me and protect me?”
professor x: what’s your super power
owl: terrible memory
professor x: that’s not usef- you can talk!?
owl: who
[Watching the Food Network]
Me: She made THAT with those 3 ingredients? That’s DISGUSTING!
Also me: *dips cornbread in pickle juice*
Me: What should we grow?
4-year-old: Tomatoes!
[1 week later]
Me: Look, the tomato plants sprouted!
4: Ugh, I hate tomatoes why would you grow those?
… I now pronounce you husband and wife! You may now eat the onion ring
No one lies to themself more than the person that says they’ll do the dishes after they “relax for a little bit”.
{God inventing turtles}
What if a lizard had social anxiety?
Doctor: You have to eat healthier
Cannibal: [starts eating vegans]
If anyone needs help communicating with their teen daughter,
I am officially fluent in sigh.
Me: *pressed against glass* they can’t keep us apart, they can’t deny our love, you’re my lobster
Aquarium owner: *into walkie talkie* security
Me: *being dragged away* WAIT FOR ME LEONARDO DA PINCHI
I beat my personal best for competitive eating today, scoffing 34 hot dogs, including buns in under 15 minutes.
I don’t suppose I’ll be invited to any more of next doors’ BBQs, however.
I don’t like labels, but I suppose “evil genius” fits about as well as any.
How much for the sentient racist skeleton?
“Sir, that’s Ann Coulter…”
“No, I didn’t forget your gift”
*digs in purse
“Got you this hairspr..I need that. Got you this keyring”
*removes keys
I sign off with “kind regards” but secretly all my regarding is malicious
That job interview was going so well until I realized I was fucked up on acid in the middle of a cornfield naked and talking to a scarecrow.
Absence makes the heart grow fonder, but my boss just gets mad when I don’t come to work 🙁
*leads horse to water*
“You’re not gonna drink, are you?”
*horse neighs*
“It’s The Fountain of Eternal Youth.”
Horse: You’re not foaling me.
Relationship Status: Married long enough to know when I hear her say “I love you,” she’s talking to our dog.
I just ordered a Fitbit and my bank called to see if my card was stolen.
Yes of course the covid exposure notices are scary, but nothing shakes me to the core like an old fashioned classroom head lice letter.
Facebook: Hey remember this pic of your dog that died?
Me: Damnit Facebook not now.
FB: Sorry…
FB: Your ex girlfriend is getting married.
I started a petition to ban people from collecting autographs.
So far I’ve got 5,000 signatures.
When people talk about enriching their lives, I assume they’ve found a way to add more cheese.
“Are you still watching?”
Yes, Netflix. I didn’t magically get my shit together in the last three hours.