Monday morning looks like Jack Nicholson breaking through the door in The Shining.
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A moment of silence for those who sacrificed themselves to determine which mushrooms taste good with pasta, which are fun & which kill you.
Yes, lady who took two parking spaces. I’m the reason you can’t get in your car from the drivers side.
Have a nice day 🙂
I get why polyamory is so popular in California. It takes 3 incomes to survive and 4 to have nice things.
What is bluesky and is it pronounced like a cloudless day or a Polish last name?
#milo
*Santa lifts a rug while sweeping and finds a dusty, crumpled note*
“Please keep my family safe, love Bruce Wayne.”
*Santa grows very pale*
If God wanted us to be vegetarians, he would have made broccoli more fun to shoot at.
Why yall taking long at Atm? yall
launching missiles or downloading
Space ships from NASA?
I haven’t read a single History book that explains how Asians got out of their Pokeballs.
WIFE: This summer I’m banning you from wearing those shorts with pockets.
ME: *barely audible* embargo pants
HER: Get out
We don’t have voluntary control over our internal organs because our brains don’t trust us enough to keep ourselves alive.
5: wow, you look so pretty
Me: thank yo—
5: with your sunglasses on
Me: am I pretty without them?
*UNCOMFORTABLY LONG PAUSE*
5: sure
Basically I stopped taking men seriously when I entered 2nd grade and learned they all went to Jupiter to get more stupider
Hey, remember me from last night? You gave me the wrong number but I found you on Facebook. I’m on your porch. Can I come in?
Husband: *snoring*
It’s like he’s trying to tell me something
*snoring*
What is it boy?
*snoring intensifies*
Timmy’s stuck in a well?
My dogs bowl has DOG written on it so my kids don’t eat it
My neighbor won a hay show. Hay like in grass that livestock eats. There’s a show for it
I can’t lose weight, that’s where all my fattitude is
Me as a detective:
[analyzes evidence with magnifying glass]
[evidence catches on fire]
no no no no
road expansion addicts be like “just one more lane bro i promise traffic will be fixed, just one more i can stop whenever”
I wish the dude that jogs around my neighborhood all day would wear a Super Mario costume. And occasionally duck into sewers.
People are shy. I’m sure that’s the reason why no one ever tells me, “please continue whistling.”
I don’t mind coming to work, but this eight hour wait to go home is just ridiculous!
Ernest Hemingway buys a pair of shoes mail order, but accidentally orders in a baby’s size. He tries to sell them, but no one understands
breaking: schrute farms has banned kanye, no beets for him.
Drugs are not the answer. Unless the question is “What are you in for?”
Acupuncture for weight loss huh? I’ve had little pricks before, and they never helped me work off any pounds.
Funny how we say “I drank a *pot* of coffee” instead of “I drank fourteen cups of coffee and chased the cat around the hot tub with a sword”
Remember, YOUR God is real. All those other Gods are ridiculous, made-up nonsense. But not yours. Your God is real. Whichever one that is.