From Our CEO
To Our Valued Customersholy shit please come back we promise to start cleaning the bathroom
You Might Also Like
The lead singer of Nickelback tried out for his school Christmas play, but he never made it as a wise man.
The average person swallows 8 spiders a year, but the top 1% consume 40% of our nation’s spiders. Save some for the rest of us, spider hogs
*dragging a trampoline to under your window”
Well you cut down your tree so I have to improvise.
Hey girl, are you the week-old leftover Chinese food I ate for lunch because you are not agreeing with me.
Every emotion briefly visited to open a jar of pickles.
Her: there’s something different about you
Me, slowly transitioning into a werewolf: HOWOOOOOOOOO do you mean?
I get it fish, my body is also beer battered
We all have our personal struggles.
Mine today was an argument with my son about why we can’t put a hot hog in the toaster, but then I was like, maybe we could put a hotdog in the toaster…
°a turd walks into a bar°
[BARTENDER] why the long face pal?
[TURD] °sighs° i just got dumped
Getting out of bed in the morning always gave me a headache until I tried it feet first.
PET SHOP OWNER: So would u like a puppy for your son?
ME: Yes[home]
WIFE: Where’s Tommy?
ME [with a puppy] ok so they offered me this deal
horrifying if literal: the electric slide
EXECUTOR OF MY WILL: I’m so sorry for your loss. Mr. Nadeau has requested he be mummified, but in Fruit Roll-Ups.
WIFE: *Knocks on coffin* Andrew. You have to stop doing this. Are you alive?
ME: *Muffled* No.
WIFE:
ME: *Muffled but sadder* Maybe.
A fun thing about having teens home during summer break is that they only require 2 meals a day because they don’t wake up until lunch.
I think this man might be the one, I say right before he dumps me and I never hear from him again
I understand why this patron is so upset. His plan — to come to the library on the last day of tax season and expect to find someone there who would promptly file his taxes for him — seemed, admittedly, foolproof.
I’ve never wrestled an alligator but I have retrieved something from my toddler’s mouth.
*making cookies with 3*
Me: Santa will love these!
3:
Me: we need to leave some cookies out for Santa
3:
Me:
3: just one.
i am in another room with the door open and she has food and water, and yet, my cat is out in the hallway meowing like she’s wandering through a post-apocalyptic wasteland and is the sole survivor
Do you know what really makes me smile? Facial muscles.
I don’t want flying cars, I want the ability to start again from my last save point
It’s my favorite time of year, the time when everyone puts their clothes back on and goes inside.
1 star recipe reviews are always like “I replaced the sugar with flax seed and butter with spinach and these pancakes came out dry and gross. Do not recommend”
Noah: A boat?
God: Yes.
Noah: Two of every animal?
God: Yes.
Noah: I have a better idea.
God: What.
Noah: Maybe don’t kill everyone.
I have a kidney to donate. It’s not mine, so I don’t know much about it.
WIFE: you probably need a shower
KID: why? how do I smell?
ME: *without looking up* with your nose
[ no-look high five from WIFE ]
My girlfriend left me for a hindu guy.
Anyway, he’ll treat her better – they worship cows.
Are @bt_uk responsible for the crime and violence in our society? @funTweeters @TheComedyHumor @OurNameIsFun
Not to brag, but I remember to take the cap off of a water bottle 75% of the time before taking a drink.
*opens briefcase and presentation about 9/11 conspiracies falls out*
But that means
[cut to my son giving presentation about cool dinosaurs]