Gave money to a homeless man. A stranger lectured me on how he’s just going to spend it on drugs and alcohol..
Yeah, OK. Like I wasn’t.
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Wow, so it’s true… Toddlers in Tiaras is the prequel to 16 and Pregnant which is the Prequel to Intervention
My husband had an affair in my dream, but I still love him. And if I ever talk to him again, I’ll tell him.
“I’m not like other girls,” I say, clacking my pinchers and scuttling back into the murky lagoon.
“My wife is going out to Thanksgiving dinner with her extended family but I’m staying home. It’s not safe.”
“Covid.”
“Toddlers.”
Headache Protip:
Bang your toe into something.
Diet update: I’ve lost 7 pounds, two friends, and my will to live.
Me: … No worries!
Narrator: There were, in fact, many worries.
Babies make for the worst pets ever, I try to explain to all of the expectant mothers at the grocery store.
Oceans 11? When I went to school there were just 5
Special shout out to the CIA, who were pouring cold water on people BEFORE the “ice bucket challenge” made it cool
Just heard that distinct “baby fell out of the crib and into a pizza that was on the floor” sound
Sorry I hung up on you, I didn’t mean to answer the call.
I don’t always forget there’s new glass doors At work but when I do I make sure to walk into them face first In front of my coworkers.
The problem with the world today is that intelligent people are too smart to have children.
Press 1 for English
Press 2 For SpanishPress 1 or 2 for Indian
He said he absolutely would not hang Christmas lights today when I asked. Anyway, he’s almost done hanging the lights, they look very nice.
I would have suggested they just use a regular volleyball, but I guess the Olympics are special.
GIRL: l’m tired of bad boys and their bs. I want a good boy, for a change.
ME [clearly a golden retriever]: *turns to camera and winks*
*calls 911*
Hey, I found some big guns.
*Cops surround the house. I come outside flexing and get shot 263 times.*
Him: If you’re so smart, name all 50 states!
Me: Drunken, Stoned, tipsy, sad, happy, sloppy, loved, confused, exhausted, ecstatic, fatigued…
Him: Ok,enough FFS.
Me: oooo, angry!
one time in high school I wanted to signal to a friend that I really, really liked him, so I began referring to him as my esteemed colleague
Text my grandma if she wants to go to the grocery with me she replied 🔥
like is that hell yeah or does she want to burn it down
It’s all fun & games till somebody has to explain to the optometrist what a golden shower is & why your eye is highly irritated.
doctor: do you have a name picked out?
me: yah it’s St-
wife: we are not naming our daughter starscream
Drug commercial…Don’t take this medication if you are allergic to this medication.
Oh, ok. That’s super helpful, thank you.
PARENTS: your teen may be worshipping Satan. Look for these terms:
LOL – Lucifer Our Lord
BRB – Burn Religious Books
TBH – Tell Beelzebub Hi
I missed a swipe when shaving my legs and now my leg has a mohawk
*slides note across counter*
Cashier (whispers): No problem.
[over intercom system]
“THIS MAN NEEDS CUSTOMER ASSISTANCE WITH TAMPONS”
“Do you want to hold my baby?”
Yeah nice try. You got yourself into this mess you hold your own damn baby.
Ugh why is my bag so heavy? *goes through bag* ok keys, wallet, book, sandwich, water, anvil, other sandwich, human baby, no I need all this