Shuffling into the kitchen in a robe Sunday morning to change the clock on the microwave is the lamest form of time travel ever.
You Might Also Like
if you’re too polite to ask your date to leave just whisper “Mother might be getting cold in the pantry” while staring nervously at your kitchen.
RETIREMENT EXPERTS: by 35 you should have twice your salary saved
35 YEAR OLD: my salary is $13.00 an hour and i have $26.00 in my bank account so I’m good
Sometimes my southern accent sneaks out. Like just today I meant to say “You all” and instead I had sex with my cousin.
i have faced more peer pressure to drink oat milk than to do drugs
In a crowded elevator, tell all the tall people they have to get in the back because you’re going to take a group photo.
I just want to be fit enough to reach into my glove compartment, without crying.
I have Tourettes syndrome, but instead of swearing, I yell out movies that Nicolas Cage has been in
My sister has positioned herself as the lazy sibling and honestly I stan, no one expects anything from her. Is it too late for me to rebrand?
I assume when I get put on hold after I call customer service it’s because 2 guys are flipping a coin to see who pretends to be the manager.
People say ‘bullshit’ like their shit is so high and mighty.
[panting, 5 minutes into sex] It’s okay, just go on without me
Best convo of the last 5 yrs:I explained to my son that his friend’s Mum had become a man: “You can do that?””Yes””Then I wanna be a dragon”
If you send me a work memo on the weekend I respond with Linkin Park lyrics.
Getting super good at pushing people away then wondering why I’m all alone.
People constantly tweeting about rough hot sex have clearly never thrown their back out
Bugs have antennas so they can get a few local channels for free
Very tired of the NSA reading my tweets and not retweeting them.
The French cow says MEUX…
I lost my virginity once and lemme tell you…
NEVER. AGAIN.
The floor after my kids eat one granola bar
You can’t hurt me. You’re not a disappointing sandwich.
[Dinner with family of Owls]
ME: Want me to say grace?
DAD OWL: No. We don’t do that
M: I thought you were-
D.O: Pls don’t
M: birds of pray?
I think the key to happiness is having plenty of money and then telling all the poor people that money can’t buy happiness
I just saw a woman outside sitting alone on a bench and staring at nothing and it made me so sad. I wonder what happened to her phone?
I was talking to my husband about what it would be like to have a third kid when my 4yo wrapped his little hand in mine and said, “mom, I would be pissed.”
Kylo Ren: *high pitched voice* I love you Kylo Ren. You’re the best dark Jedi ever
General Hux: *walks in* Stop playing with Vader’s helmet
Don’t try to fix your computer the same day you quit drinking. You. Will. Relapse.
Law Enforcement: We’re cracking down on distracted driving.
Car companies: Here’s a 9-inch TV in your dashboard.
this is ur captain. sory for descending thru another cloud but ralph told me it was posible to land on one of these things so we keep trying
Saturday