Absolutely NO fruit in this house again until winter! Am I clear?
~me losing the war against gnats
You Might Also Like
Me: *Yanks off tear away pants*
Guy at next urinal: holy shit
Of course I have a picture of my kids. Let me find a good one.
* frantically scrolling through 8000 pictures of my dog sleeping
Thursday
Cashier: Gimme shake
Customer: *offers paw*
Cashier: Good…here’s your order!
-McDogald’s
Me at 12: I can’t wait to be an adult so I can buy whatever I want with my money.
Me at 36: If I wait until it goes on sale and use my coupon, I can buy scented trash bags.
Welcome to your 50s. You’re pretty laid back about everything now –
except when the GODDAMN SQUIRRELS get in your bird feeders with the expensive food with peanuts, pecans, and chunks of suet–I THOUGHT THESE WERE SQUIRRELPROOF FEEDERS!!!!
Me, losing my shit:
Heeere shitty, shitty, shitty!
I’m just playing devils avocado here
Barber: How do you want it?
Me [gets the same haircut every time]: UUUUUUUUUUUUUHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH
Lady and the Tramp spaghetti scene except it’s me throat punching you for trying to eat my food.
Good luck to all of the parents whose kids will be eating their Easter candy and won’t be going to bed until Tuesday night.
[car dealership]
ME: [not savvy] i need a new car SALESMAN: what kind
ME: car
SALESMAN: haha what kind of car
ME: [perspiring freely] new
When my wife says she’s going to throw away a dessert, I turn into Gollum sooooooo fast
[School Bus Driver Interview]
INTERVIEWER: What’s your greatest weakness?
GREEN LANTERN: {Don’t say the color yellow} Um…children
Date: I enjoy living here, but I do miss West Virginia
Me: *excited* MOUNTAIN MAMMAAAA
Date: Would you please stop doing that every time I say West Virg-
Me: MOUNTAIN MAMMAAAA
Date: Ugh, please just take me home
Me: *ecstatic* COUNTRY ROOOADS
[10mins from now]
..& just like that North Korea was removed from history & got nuked by every country on Earth for bringing down Twitter..
Was looking at smoking pipes on Amazon & realized that CW could look at my history.So,I immediately started looking at Sherlock Holmes hats.
Reading a magazine waiting at the checkout and was told, “this is not a library”, so I read it out loud.
Suicide Squad spoiler: Jared Leto’s Joker is so twisted he puts big spoons in the drawer slots where the little spoons go.
Having defeated the floor lamp, 4 plants & one “unbreakable” cat toy, my idiot cat has now waged war against my laundry.
The Battle of the Bra is in full swing.
I like my men like I like my coffee, tall, dark and left on top of my car
[Hall of Justice]
BATMAN: What a day…I just saved Gotham
SUPERMAN: For sure…I just saved the planet
AQUAMAN: I hear ya…I just got tangled up in some brine shrimp
I bought a formal gown simply because it had pockets.
Wife: I’m sorry I had sex with your best friend.
Me: With Harrison? How could you!?
Harrison: woof *wags tail innocently*
Wife: No, your other best friend!
Me: *looks accusingly at my X-Box*
Doctor: How many alcoholic drinks do you consume per week?
Me: *writes number on piece of paper & slides it facedown across table*
ME: I hate owls
[Owl turns his head 180°]
OWL: What?
ME: Oh I didn’t see you there
OWL: Are you talking behind my back?
ME: I’m…I’m not sure
I decided to change things up for my neighbors. Instead of seeing me topless, they caught me bottomless.
My dog wants to register me as her emotional support animal. She’s already called the vet for the required paperwork and ordered me a vest.
Sorry, I didn’t mean to lol your poetry
Not sure how coffee got its own table in the living room, but kudos.