Opening twitter feels like visiting a recently abandoned house – you can still see how things have been but every now and then a picture falls from the wall and no one bothers to look what’s causing the weird smell in the kitchen
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I was in the Valentine’s aisle looking for candy, and next to the adorable stuffed pink bears were the high-powered binoculars. Finally a store that understands the romance of stalking.
I bought a formal gown simply because it had pockets.
Judging from my reflection in the mirror this morning, I too should not be fed after midnight.
I am a brown supremacist. I dream that the whole world will be one giant call centre one day.
I haven’t been in my bathroom ever since my daughter told me she had “done a number four”.
Eight months since I had laser eye surgery. Still no lasers.
My right eye is twitching like it’s at some kind of techno dance party that the rest of me wasn’t invited to.
independence day 2 has been out in the US for mere hours and it has already been upstaged by a somehow even worse independence day overseas
I’m just a girl standing in front of a boy asking him to stop eating all the snacks I bought for school lunches dammit.
When I was a kid, I got mad at my brother and told him people whose names start with J don’t go to heaven, and my mom just looked at me and said, “Jesus”.
The pen is writier than the sword.
Lost my watch at a party once. I saw a guy step on it while harassing a girl. I walked up and punched him straight on the nose. I said: No one does that to a girl…not on my watch.
ME: Pet it
OPTIMUS PRIME: But I’m afraid of it
ME: It’s just a dog
OP: Oh..ok [reaches out]
DOG: [sneezes]
OP: [transforms into large truck]
Home alone tonight
The fridge is making weird noises
I think the beer wants out….
911: what room is the body in
me: I wanna say living room… but that feels weird
Take it from me; I have reverse kleptomania.
Before getting in my face, please be aware that I completed two tours in Vietnam. One was on a Segway in downtown Hanoi, the other took us through a delightful little bakery in Ho Chi Minh.
[My 5 year old has a little crush on a nearby neighbor girl, and the girl stopped by]
Her: Hi!
Him, making a weird face: Hi.
Her: Hi.
Him: …
Her: …
Him: Hi.
Her: Hi.
Him: …THERE ARE BEES OUT IN MY YARD *runs away*
Saw a billboard that said “anxiety? Paranoia? It could be meth.” And it’s like oh my God I’ve been on meth this whole time.
Can’t believe Flo Rida says “so many girls in here, where do I begin” and “where them girls at” in the same song. They are right in here. So many of them.
Act normal. Act normal. Act normal. ActnormalactnormalactnormalACTNORMALDAMNITactnormal
Gave this artichoke the heimlich maneuver and now he’s artiokay.
[first guy to discover magic mushrooms]
those…those were not portobellos
[in a crowded elevator]
ME: *loudly* THE ELEVATOR WAS INVENTED BY DARTH’S LESSER KNOWN SISTER, ELE.
Calm down shouty museum man. I think it’s pretty obvious that I know how to ride a dinosaur skeleton.
Have been woken up with the hangover from hell by the sound of my neighbour’s lawn mower. He’ll just have to mow around me, I’m not moving.
Today is the birthday of Erwin Schrödinger, best known for being the world’s worst cat sitter.
Elmo: Elmo says this just him coping
Oscar: I don’t care, it’s morbid and- oh hey Bert
Bert: Ahem *nods to jar under arm*
Oscar: Hey Urn-ie
There is no cool way to zip up your pants during a meeting.
By age 35 you should have
– absolutely no idea why you came into the room
– no desire to be out past 8 pm
– an extensive collection of shopping bags and gift bags shoved into other shopping and gift bags