Please join me in prayer for my two year old daughter, her sleeve is wet.
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If by hot yoga you mean crawling around on the floor of my car in 90 degree weather looking for the sippy cup that rolled away then yes I do hot yoga
Daughter announced there will be rain for Thanksgiving. We usually have turkey but with her cooking skills rain will taste better.
Him: The smell of marinara reminds me of my grandma
Me: That’s cause your nose is connected to the limbic system of your brain where emotions are processed! Your olfactory nerve gettin all up in your amygdala and jumpin on good memories
Waiter: Ma’am please return to your table
Maced a hobo who started pulling cables out of my computer at work.
Turned out to be the hipster IT guy and now I’m in HR again.
Snail cop: So tell me about the sloth that attacked you.
Snail: It all happened so fast.
You look busy, I’m just gonna interrupt you anyways
– People who apparently want to go missing
[Job interview]
Employer: please explain the gap on your resume
Me: what…they were hiring
I have social anxiety but am toxically polite. I faked plans to get out of talking to someone & then invited them to the fake plans.
My gf thinks I cook our meals cause I love her. Really, it’s cause I’m afraid she might try to poison me.
Judge: Ms Spears, how do you plea?
“I’m not. that. innocent.”
*frustrated defense counsel tosses like 9000 papers in the air*
DATE: you smell so nice – what are you wearing?
ME: Febreeze
“NO NUT NOVEMBER” I scream before stabbing Mr. Peanut with an Epi-Pen
Penelope wasn’t really GREAT at hide and seek, but we always appreciated her efforts
My friend’s band is called Duvet.
It’s a cover band.
Dr: your father is real sick
Woman: [sobbing] how long?
[her dad wheelies past on a bmx]
Dr: almost six yards that time
Them: Go big or go home
Me, 30 mins later, in my bed: This is nice
“No, no. No! NO!” – guy who invented black ski masks after people started using them for robbing
Parenting is a lot of shouting things like: IF YOU GET YOURSELF STUCK IN A BOX, YOU’RE NOT ALLOWED TO MOVE UNTIL I GET A PICTURE!
* Kindergarten*
Hi kids! I’m the homeroom mom for your class. [writes name on chalkboard]
[Boy Raises hand]
We can’t read. No one can read
Just sold my homing pigeon on eBay for the 22nd time.
After weeks of late night cheese benders…Brenda couldn’t help but wonder…where did it all go wrong
A squirrel just tried to break into my house,
I’ve gotta find another tree
Detective: I see, and how long has she been missing?
Me: (holding back tears) 3 days
D: Mmhm. And we have her Instagram so we know what she looks like
M: Not really
Human: *jumps*
Kangaroo: *under breath* amateur
Human: *pole vaults*
Kangaroo: wait WTF?
Her: I’m not going to keep pausing the movie to explain it to you
Me: I just have a hard time understanding
Her: they’re in that position bc he delivered the pizza but she doesn’t have any money
My 7yo had £3 pocket money and decided that, more than anything in the world, she wanted to buy this secondhand doll. This sick, green doll. This nightmare doll, which is now affectionately named “Baby Ben.” If I am dead by morning, you know why.
Reading is a gateway drug to being less stupid.
wife: “just break it to him gently”
me: “ok ill try”
[tucking son in bed]
me: [opening story book] “once upon a time your grandma’s dead”
I picked the wrong week to start my high altitude balloon tours
*writes in climate’s year book “Best of luck. Don’t ever change!”*