Yesterday our neighborhood hairdresser was arrested for selling drugs. I was her customer for 10 years. I had no idea she was a hairdresser.
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I just walked into my room holding the remote and a glass of chocolate milk and I meant to toss the remote into my bed but instead I tossed the glass of chocolate milk onto my bed
want me to check your oil?
You can have a good day with your teen or you can ask them to dress warm, you cannot have both
It was the best of times, it was the end of sentence structure
I’m not saying I don’t love it when my 5yo asks for a hug, I just wish she didn’t always wait until she’s mid-poop to ask.
Me: Ooh, I love those pretty Christmas lights hanging over the street.
Cop: Those are traffic lights, what’s exactly in the thermos ma’am?
A boogaloo is just a haunted igloo.
If the police ask, I was in my house from 2009 to 2013.
First day of packing for a move: *dresses each Barbie before putting them in a box*
Second day of packing for a move: *dumps entire contents of desk drawer into Target bag and ties it up with USB cord*
Him: you’re beautiful.
Her: no I’m not, hehe.
Him: yes, you are.
Her: you’re crazy, I’m hideous.
Him: oh, ok. I see it now.
*watches him dance*
*whispers* I’ve made a huge mistake.
Oh, lord. I brought my mouth with me to work today and it’s all sass. Prayers, please.
Me: *giggling* no, I love you more.
Him: who are you and how did you get inside my house?
Got into loads of trouble at work for making “racist noises”. I just accepted the slap on the wrist because it was easier explaining that I was pretending to be the dad from Pingu.
Guy: Why does everyone call you “Gross Gary”?
Gary: [filling a canteen with hotdog water] Nobody calls me that.
penguins mate for life, which is why you never see one smiling
Him: what’s your favorite season?
Me: Reese’s Egg Season
I never learned to swim because I didn’t think it would ever be more than an hour since I last ate
Pastor: He is risen!
Me: Who?
Pastor: Jesus
Me: Jesus who?
Pastor: Jesus Christ
Me: Look, dude, there’s no reason to get angry.
me: can I get uhhhh… what’s in a combo number 5?
Lou Bega: *deep breath*
What was the deal with that dude wearing a tie and an apron at brunch? He kept writing down everything we said, he gave me the crepes.
Telling my daughter garlic is good for you. Good immune system and keeps pests away.Ticks, mosquitos, vampires… men.
they should make cans that open quietly
..she tweeted for no reason at 3:25 am while her bf slept soundly
tim apple: use iphone 14 satellite calling when you get stranded in the wilderness
me who hasn’t left my house in 2 years: I must have this
My hobby is convincing little kids to say, “Last night I played with the little boy who died in our house.” So far I’ve made 2 families move
ME: [with a child on a leash] this is my therapy child.
I was eating BBQ ribs and my waitress asked me if I wanted a wet nap…
…I told her it wasn’t necessary because I had one earlier today.
Rome fell because it was run by idiots who used letters as numbers.
[College admissions office]
“Sorry sir you can’t transfer your street cred for college credits”
ME: that’s wack
16,875,547,322 traffic-related bug deaths so far this year