Just so you know, I joined Twitter, because it was either this or a street-gang.
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Welcome to your 40s. Your ability to be sneaky will now be hindered by your bones cracking when you walk.
I haven’t seen the numbers, but I imagine vampire attacks are way down.
Why is my life so hard?!!
~Me, trying to open a jar .
Thought I was having a good hair day. Mother Nature likes to keep my ego in check though.
She’s really good at that.
Who called it inspirational posting and not chicken soup for the scroll?
Co-worker playfully snapped my suspenders and now everyone in the office knows my safe word.
Parent/Child conversation tweets are always so cute & sweet!
Thought I’d try one:
18: Can I borrow the car?
Me: NoWasn’t that adorable?!
My husband just said, “I have a game I think you’d be interested in that I bet you haven’t heard of…
It’s called Wordle”
My computer: hey friend, I’ve only got 55 minutes left on my battery
My computer two minutes later: LMAO!! *dies*
One time I accidentally listened to a John Mayer song & spontaneously generated 2 thumb rings before it was over.
Hell hath no fury like a woman who found out you used her face towel as a hand towel
95% of your time as a parent is spent trying to figure out who broke it, who stole it and who ate it
[harry potter at an interview]
interviewer: it says here you found & destroyed seven horcuxes
harry: that’s correct, sir
interviewer: but no experience creating a powerpoint presentation, wow
Doctor: How long have you been in pain?
Women: It started at 7:45am on Monday while I was at work
Men: Sometime between yesterday and 1997
[Dracula giving his son “the talk”]
Dracula: you see when two monsters love each other very much, they-
Dracula’s son: they do the mash
Dracula: *nodding* they do the monster mash
These golfers behind me keep yelling, “Take your shot!” but they haven’t poured me any tequila.
Whenever I have to sign something to send back to my kid’s school, I always worry they’ll think she forged it even though I try to use my best “grown-up” penmanship.
I never claimed to have all the answers. I said two. I have two answers. There’s a guy in Nebraska who has six. Go bother him.
I used to make picture meals for my daughter until she got bored and asked me to stop.
Emperor: Luke, kill Vader and become my apprentice.
Vader: But why? I’ve been loyal.
Emperor: Have you ever listened to yourself breathe?
🎵Baby shark, doo doo doo doo doo doo
🎵Baby shark, doo doo doo doo doo doo
🎵Baby shark, doo doo doo doo doo doo
🎵Baby shark!🎶
I threw out a jar of expired protein powder and some jacked up raccoons beat the shit out of me a week later.
They say that there’s no place for the state in the bedrooms of the nation, and you know what else has no place in the bedrooms of the nation? MALM furniture from IKEA or my cousin Steve.
If we’re out of croutons, I’ll just turn the toaster upside down and shake it over my salad.
The sooner you admit that you’ve made a mistake, the sooner you can move on to making bigger and better mistakes.
When does CPR become necrophilia?
You can’t take away snow days and make them remote learning days. Snow days aren’t about learning. If god wanted the children to learn, he wouldn’t have made it snow.
[reading death threat]
*shrugs* Anyone with spelling this bad would definitely botch a murder.
*kills time while waitimg for train*
oh no with time dead the train will never arrive
4: When will I stop growing?
Me: When you’re a grownup, like me.
4: But you still grow.
Me: No I don’t.
4: You grew too big for those pants you really like.
Me: