If you tweet about orthopedic shoes enough, you don’t even need to write “No DMs” in your bio.
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I walk around my yard with a cane so my neighbors will never ask me to help them move something.
There was a time, a new hip joint meant someplace I would go to on weekends.
me: I’m quitting, here’s my badge and gun
zookeeper: your what
The news is so predictable nowadays
You make me want to be a better sentence completer.
20’s: I can’t remember where I left my keys
30’s: I can’t remember where I left my car
40’s: I can’t remember where I left my kids
The opposite of Lorelai is Loretellsthetruth,
Thanks to technology, family members from across the country can still have meetings to discuss what a disappointment you are.
a cute boy moved in next door and his bedroom window is across from mine, I hope this doesn’t turn into a coming of age film.
My kid is playing Santa and told me to pretend to sleep, and I’m just glad he finally came up with a game I can win
6 year olds be like my best friend is Kevin and Charlie and Emma and Amy and Zach, lol stfu and go learn about superlatives, Tommy.
Doggies just call it style.
UK Scientist: We’ve engineered a new species of cyanobacteria
U.S. scientist: We’ve made pigs in a blanket 50% piggier
[watching paint dry]
“Haha! It’s just nice watching something without Benedict Cumberbatch inMy God! There he is”
Them: Who hurt you?
Me: Pull up a chair this is going to be awhile
Son: Did you know some birds mate for life?
Me: All birds mate for life. That’s the point, dummy.
Southerners don’t use contractions like “y’all” and “young’n” out of laziness. Most of us are just too poor to afford entire words.
My husband said he wants a blowie for his birthday. I don’t know what he’ll do with this snow blower in summertime…luckily it was on sale.
Unpopular Opinion: the wooden ball inside an avocado is a seed
Some women complain that their husbands aren’t observant, not me. I’ve been wearing a new ruby ring (that my husband doesn’t know he bought me) for 3 days now and I’m thrilled he hasn’t noticed.
I’m getting arthritis in my pinky finger which is making it painful to drink tea in my upper-class social circles.
At the grocery store and forgot my wife’s list, but no worries I’m sure there’s another dad here that I can copy off of.
* hears opportunity knocking
* chooses cheese instead
You see me wildly flailing my arms. Did I:
a) Walk through a spider web?
b) Try to wrap something in Saran wrap?
c) Try to use Scotch tape?
They say that unless you remember history you are destined to repeat it.
-I say to myself every time I think about cutting bangs.
ME: My cat isn’t overweight; she’s just big-boned
VET: This is a dog
My husband just bought ice cream with raisins. So, that was a fun marriage.
Sinbad:
1. Sailor
2. Comedian
3. Most succinct version of the Bible
Who called them potatoes & not the motherchip.
Hell yes we can still be friends if you don’t drink, I’m not that shallow. You have a driver’s license, right??