Direct deposit: +1400
Me at Cheesecake Factory: yeah I’ll take one of each slice
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I had to use first and middle names on my daughters today for overly rough play in the pool.
Ages 22 and 25. With 401ks. This never stops.
I asked my 5yo not to do something, and he just smiled maniacally and nodded his head until I gave up. I’m going to try this on my wife.
[after winning scratch off ticket]
*makes it rain 3-ply toilet paper*
The loudest noise a child can make from another room is silence
I hate hotel duvets. They are so thick, i can’t close my suitcase.
“gravy is not a beverage.” ok well that’s why I was trying to drink it in the bathroom, so you wouldn’t see me
i prefer mine room temperature.
[pokes your baby with a stick]
what’s it do?
Important new ad I stuck up in town today. Experts only, please.
[minutes after eating mac & cheese] u know what would be amazing right now- and honestly it’s been a while since I’ve had it- mac & cheese
god: okay the day that is happening now is called today
angel: *writing* ok
god: and the day that just ended is called terday
angel: terday?
god: yes terday
angel: *writing* ok
My favorite way to tell the DJ their music sucks is just yelling at the speaker: “ALEXA NEXT” and then making harsh eye contact with them
the gym I’ve been going to isn’t helping me lose weight at all, damn you Pizza Hut Gym
I like to hide condom wrappers in my married friends pockets.
[doctor’s office]
DOCTOR: I have good news and bad news
ME: what’s the good news
D: that’s for someone else; sorry, doctor-patient confidentiality
Me: *gesturing at the kids* We should start thinking about protection
Wife: They’re too young to be talking about birth control
M: I was thinking more along the lines of an exorcism
I accidentally wore a beetle inside. Neither party was happy about this.
John Wick 4 was so good I wish violence was real
I’m so disappointed when I help my kid with her homework and she brings it home marked incorrect.
11-year-old: *practicing her saxophone at home* How was that?
Me: Great!
11: Want to hear it again?
Me: I can only take so much greatness in one day.
i don’t give parenting advice bc i don’t have kids but i was at an engagement party once where a toddler was walking around drinking a bud light and i had to step in bc craft beers taste better.
Why do people say “Cannonball” when jumping into a pool, but no one says “I’m jumping into a pool” when firing a cannonball #Interesting
I just ate an entire cake to get the taste of salad out of my mouth.
#WhenIWasYourAge: We had to open all doors by ourselves. None of them knew we were coming.
ME: Hey bro you got toilet paper?
GUY IN NEXT STALL: Yeah [slides me toilet paper]
ME: No I don’t need any I’m just checking.
GUY IN NEXT STALL: Why?
ME: Because I care.
Reports say 3 billion Yahoo accounts were hacked and suddenly 3 billion people remembered they had yahoo accounts.
Friend: *texting* come out tonight
Me: *three days later* who’s gonna be there
{Apocalypse}
ME (To War, Famine, Pestilence and Death): Can I pet your horsies?
When I die I want to be cremated and my ashes spread all over my bedroom…so my wife can clean up after me one more time.
I can tell Spring is almost here because I’m on the verge of wanting to kill myself but I’d also like to plant some bulbs.