Friend: Don’t you recycle?
Me: I do what I can.
F: What about the seals?
M: Am I responsible for their recycling, too?!
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the worst part about cooking for others is not licking the utensils every time you stir something
You know who DOES see something wrong with a little bump n’ grind?
Trevor in human resources.
Me: my boyfriend said that he doesn’t love me anymore
Boyfriend: that’s not what I said! I said that I have to work and I can’t give you attention 24/7
Me: same thing
SISTER: i’m engaged!
ME: awwwwwwwwewwww
SISTER: did you sneak an ‘ew’ in there
ME: …no
It’s mom law if your kid orders something delicious you have to taste it to make sure it’s not poisoned.
My car’s GPS has learned to say “Your other left.”
[christmas break with my extended family]
*me in Oprah voice* YOU NEED A THERAPIST AND YOU NEED A THERAPIST! EVERYBODY NEEDS A THERAPIST!
Ghosting someone sounds like a euphemism for murder.
Doctor: That mule really kicked you. I’m afraid there’s some bleeding on the brain
Me: He gave me a bloody knows, LOL
First week of my diet I gained 3 pounds. However, I found out if I stand further away from the mirror I look thinner.
My body is a wonderland, but like, the “Alice In” type. Everything is the wrong size. Tons of tea in there. Cats everywhere.
5-year-old: Why is there a baseball bat under your bed?
Me: In case there’s a burglar.
5:
Me:
5: Why do burglars like to play baseball?
“I set all the cattle free.”
– Reverse Cowgirl
ME: (doing stand up)
GUY IN CROWD: BOOOO *throws a tomato*
GUY 2: BOOOOO *throws a tomato*
GUY 3: BOOOOO *throws a tomato*
GUY 4: what the-
GUY 5: he’s just eating those like Pac-Man
“HONEY, ITS THE BANK. SOMEBODY USED YOUR CARD TO BUY A HUMAN HAMSTER WHEEL??”
Me [from basement, out of breath] “what”
I’ve never been so thrown by a hyphen
My ex said he would die for me. All I’m saying is, it was his suggestion.
[home late]
Where were you?
“Uh, with my.. gf?”
Gf? Well, tell us about her! What’s her name?
[commercial on tv] uh.. Lisa.. Brandnewtoyota
Person: How are you going to get over this curb?
Me [from my wheelchair]: I don’t know. This curb and I have been through a lot together.
I can never tell if my cat left a dead bird at my door, or if it’s the dead bird I ordered from Amazon.
Friend: I’m worried about you.
Me: *pours tequila over cereal* Why?
My 89 year old mom asked if I was on that “Tic-tac-toe” site.
I don’t care what Bruce Lee said, entering a dragon is just poor advice.
*splashes water on my face*
*looks up, squinting into the mirror in front of me*
My socks are now soaked. They don’t mention that in the
Neutrogena commercials.
In my 20s: I’ll show them
In my 30s: I probably won’t show them
Dear dads, you don’t actually have to wear athletic clothing to your kids’ games. You’re literally just going be be sitting.
[a cat sitting in the sleigh impassively knocking presents out into the Pacific Ocean]
Rudolph: Santa Claws, NO
He said he thinks I’m resilient to everything, so I thanked him, but on second thought, he may have low key called me a cockroach
Beef and broccoli with calrose rice is on the menu tonight. If you’re coming over, bring condoms. (Just checking to see if you actually read this shit or just blindly RT)
[enters elevator]
Me: *audible toot*
Them:
Me: I am not here to make friends.