me: I’ll have the prime rib
waiter: excellent choice sir
me:
waiter: do we really have to do this yet again sir
me: *after sliding to the other side of the table and putting on a blonde wig* oooooh it all looks so good what do you recommend
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*scream sings THERE GOES MY HERO*
It’s world hepatitis day. Spread it around.
Computer problems can be solved with duct tape if you apply it directly to the mouth of the person asking you to help fix their computer.
[fakes allergic reaction at dinner]
Me: I-I’m- [clutches chest & falls to floor] I’m gonna need you to pay for me
Ah yes. My husband and I in our natural habitat.
Lying in bed on our phones whilst blowing pet hair off our screens.
Unless you’re turned on by a description of a homeless person under a bridge don’t ask me what I’m wearing.
As a reward for graduating high school, please accept this basket of live cobras.
And that, Romeo, is why we usually try to take a pulse first.
FRIEND: Say “fork” 10 times.
ME: Fork fork fork fork fork fork fork fork fork fork.
FRIEND: Now what do you eat cereal with.
ME: Milk.
Tiptoeing would be much more fun if your toes made that tinkling sound like they do in cartoons.
Me: Don’t fall in love with me doll face. I’m no good for you; I’m bad news.
Her: No problem. Here’s your change. Pull up to the next window.
Thanks Autocorrect, I did want to bang her braids out.
Reverse psychology – only it’s me swapping chairs when my therapist went to the bathroom.
Micro-dosing sleep by just closing my eyes for a moment while I’m driving.
…Hey, this road has a lot more fish than usual.
Bae: Come over.
Romeo: Can’t. You’re a Capulet, I’m a Montague.
Bae: Deny thy father and refuse thy name; come over.
Romeo: Also, you’re 13.
Stop asking me for advice if you’re gonna get upset when I suggest commit a crime
Can’t. Busy training my new cat to bite people who show up unannounced
Mirror mirror on the floor, who’s the worst at home decor?
I’m a feminist until it’s time to choose workout music.
Parents please check your kids’ Halloween candy. Just found an orca inside of a Hershey bar. Stay safe this Halloween.
Am I joking? Yes. Absolutely.
Do I also mean it? Yes. Absolutely.
hear me out: jurassic park sequel, but from the point of view of the dinosaurs ALSO: kenny loggins soundtrack
Pizza Hut: Hello
Me: I’d like a hot dog bites pizzas
PH: Pick up or delivery?
Me: Based on that order, you think I get off the couch?
Cellmate: What are you in for?
Me: The free food and healthcare
“The guy is pure evil!”
“He’s complex”
“Religious icons and Bibles catch on fire when he walks by!”
“He’s deep!”
“Priests and Pastors drop dead when they look at him!”
“He’s troubled! Stop being negative!”
Two things Twitter cultivates and encourages:
1. instant gratification
2. sense of impatient entitlement
3. misunderstanding of basic math
Having no tattoos in 2014, is like having tattoos in 1967.
Louis C.K. perfectly sums up Boston accents in his new special ‘Live At The Comedy Store’
10 y/o Edison: How many scientists does it take to change a light bulb?
His Dad: What’s a light bulb?
His Mom: IDFK. U tell me, Einstein.
I think my wife might have been secretly taking goalkeeping lessons. I certainly wouldn’t put it past her.