My cousin told everyone he could do a backflip. We all gathered around him. He said, “I can’t do it if you’re watching.” #MyFamilyIsWeird
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Yesterday 9 asked what’s the meaning of life and 6 punched him, but that was yesterday when I was on acid. Numbers don’t usually talk to me.
my retirement plan is braless
CULT LEADER: join our cult
ME: no thanks
CULT LEADER: we believe Air Bud was a documentary
ME: I’m listening
Who needs to watch the #SOTU when I can just read my TL? Here’s what I’ve learned so far: John Boehner is still orange.
Him: You’re not the sharpest tool in the shed, are you darlin?
Me: HOW DARE Y… Wait, did you just call me darlin
Welcome to Twitter. It’s like cooking spaghetti: Throw your noodle at the wall to see if something sticks.
My daughter keeps exclaiming, “What in tarnation?” when something surprises her. It’s cute but a little like living with a 3rd Grade Yosemite Sam.
You know instead of saying half a dozen you could just say 6, right?
What do you mean the project is DUE TOMORROW?!
– a parenting memoir
Stupid people who suddenly make a smart decision have no idea how confusing that is for the rest of us.
interviewer: can you explain this gap in your resume
me: yes that’s when i didn’t have a job
a whale has no legs and can still jump higher than you
*puts a picture of Roger Rabbit in a picture frame*
I did it. I framed Roger Rabbit.
I consider sexual harrassmemt a compliment. I mean they only do it if your hot right?
interviewer: any questions?
me: yes, what are your strengths?
It’s like my father always used to say, “[years of silent disappointment]”
“Sir, do you have any dietary restrictions?”
*unbuttons pants*
“Not anymore!”
*fooling around with husband*
Husband: Is that a piece of cheese in your bra?
Me: If you wanted any, you should have brought your own snacks!
I sent a coworker a 15 page document as 15 one page PDF files rather than one 15 page PDF file.
Passive-aggressive level achieved: Expert
Every day I learn something new as a parent. Today I learned I can’t sit through my daughter’s violin recital without a desire to die.
My neighbor’s wife put him on a diet so I’m slingshotting pretzel balls over the fence like a true bro
My husband asked for a back scratcher for Father’s Day so apparently my days are numbered
Sometimes I’ll go to a grocery store and rotate all of the Tide detergents 90 degrees and yell “THE TIDES HAVE TURNED!” until I’m kicked out
You’re either passionately pro or anti-cilantro, there is no middle ground.
Busting out of a grave like a zombie but I just have to pee real bad.
*first date*
Him: You’re very interesting.
Me: Thank you.
Him: And fun to be around.
Me: That’s nice, thanks.
Him: You need to stop all of that if this is going to work.
Me:
Him: I’m just trying to help you. Change is good.
Me: Check please!
Is Ham short for Hamuel or Hamantha?
I ate a cliff bar before bed, now I can’t stop dreaming about hiking
DATE: So tell me about yourself
ME: My brain sturdy like large oak table
DATE: Ok
I used to tell a joke about Lot’s wife. Looking back, it wasn’t a great idea.