“Apparently she had slaved over her homemade stuffing. At some point during the meal, her brother-in-law announced, ‘I prefer Stove Top,’ and it was then, from what we understand, that the woman snapped.”
-11pm news, tomorrow night
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My best quality: telling it like it is.
My worst quality: telling it like it is.
waking up to good morning texts from your partner is great and all, but have you ever woken up to a message from Amazon confirming that your package will be delivered today?
If someone posts a picture of their kid on Facebook making a stupid face, I like to comment with, “Oh, NOW I see the resemblance!”
A vulture floats lazily overhead. Here come a few of his friends. Oh, and a few more. Look, now they’re circling.
Maybe I should move.
[first day as a spy]
Wife: what’s your bosses name?
Me: I can’t tell you that
Wife: why?
Me: because I don’t remember, Linda
My iPhone corrects “WHOA” to “WHOSE”, which just made my text response to “I JUST HAD A BABY!!!” a little awkward.
I’m like a fuckin’ origami expert when I’m down to the last sheet of toilet paper.
I don’t think my wife realizes that the FREE SEX coupons I gave her last Valentine’s Day are about to expire.
plot twist: satan sold his soul to me
Being a diabetic has proved to be difficult. For example, I can’t have a sugar daddy.
[on Shark Tank]
Me: It’s a combat tank operated by sharks
Investor: Finally someone gets it
Friend: “I just blew a speaker in my car.”
Me: “Which kind?”
Friend: “Motivational.”
This burned out sign has given me the permission I need to take care of my neighborhood grocer once and for all
me: I bet other husbands don’t get put in timeout!
wife: I bet they don’t put their mother-in-law’s phone number on a Craigslist ad either!
TOUGH GUY: *pointing to his arm* I got this scar saving a child from a burning building.
ME: *pointing to my face* I got this one bobbing for pineapples.
Psychologist : What is troubling you.?
Me : Well, doc, I think I can see into the future.
Psychologist : Into the future? When did this start?
Me : Next Monday.
It’s actually pretty rude of you to assume that I know what I’m doing
ME: my apologies sir I totally thought you were someone else
HIM: *pulls plunger off his face* well don’t let it happen again
taking my contact lenses out and putting each in their own little soup for the night
Hey rappers, if you have to keep reintroducing yourself then you’re not a very good rapper.
cold water immersion sounds cool but i’m doing this other thing called warm bed immersion
Wife: oh honey, I didn’t marry for money, the guy I fell in love with had an easy smile, a sparkling laugh & big dreams. then I met you.
Girl: Cute dog
Me: Thanks he’s my therapy dog
Dog: *taking notes* possessive and codependent
4: Mom can I have a snack?
Me: Yeah hang on
4: Did you mean yes?
Me: Oh shit I birthed my mother
Age 10: One day I will get married and have 10 kids
Age 20: I hope I find someone neat
Age 30: *hissing sound*
I hate when my friends stand so close to me when pictures are being taken. It’s like they don’t know I plan on cropping them out later.
Someday you’ll wake up with Mark Zuckerberg in your bed because you neglected to uncheck a box.
4 years single just means I have a bachelor’s degree in being alone
Mom taught us that “shut up” was the worst thing you could ever say to someone. But I had bigger dreams.
Me and my mates are in a band called duvet.
We’re a cover band