Research suggests that when someone disagrees with you, you should speak faster so they have less time to process what you’re saying.
You Might Also Like
*reads your mind*
*decides to wait for the movie*
Hello drunk cooking, my old friend.
It’s nice to hear the smoke alarm again.
He’s a 10, but that’s in Fahrenheit so he’s frozen.
Dr: Check his vital signs.
Nurse: He’s got 4G coverage & his battery’s at 60%
Guys, if you forget your girl’s birthday, just look into her eyes and say, “I love you.” Then run, because that is not going to help.
My assistant is eating her pizza with a knife and fork, yet eating her salad with her fingers by picking through and finding the specific vegetable she wants.
I only use balsamic vinegar made from the finest of ballsams.
her: i’m a night owl
me: i’m an early bird
my worm: oh no!
Just tell me which one is wrong, the password or the username!! Don’t make me have to guess.
My husband brought home an all vegetable pizza for dinner so that I could “kickstart” a diet. To be honest, he would have been better off bringing home a girlfriend.
[during mosh]
me: excuse me, sorry, excuse me, im sorry, my fault, sorry
INSTRUCTIONS:
1) Feed a cold.
2) Starve a fever.
3) Make fever watch cold eat.
4) Tell cold he’s a good boy.
5) Look at fever with disdain.
me: tries to get every last possible drop out of a shampoo bottle so as not to waste any
also me: rinses away half a bar of soap to get a single hair off of it
[pet store]
Um hi can I have 4 turtles & 1 rat
Clerk: hah trying to make ur own ninja turtles dude
Me:*hiding miniature sai and katana* n no
The worst part of waking up from a nap is the noise my coworkers make in the office.
Boy, was I disappointed when I found out canoodling doesn’t involve actual noodles.
starbuck cashier: can i get a name
guy ordering in front of me: it’s Ben
me: ONE WEEK since you looked at me
I’m so glad I didn’t spread that out over the last three weeks in doable chunks but instead chose to cram it like a madwoman into 24 hours.
-My thought process, apparently, when tackling a deadline
Me: *showing photos on my phone* that’s my daughter in her play, and that’s my son covered in mud
Colleague without kids: *pointing at his phone* this is me in the Bahamas, and that’s my Porsche
Me: Let’s not do this anymore
Sober or not if the police ask me to recite the alphabet backwards I’ll just put myself in the back seat of their car.
If you see someone wearing camouflage clothing, bump into them.
It only takes a second of your time & it makes them feel like it works.
I asked my doctor if I’m healthy enough for sex and he told me I’m not even sexy enough for health.
In Soviet Russia a bar walks into men. The case of the man-killing-bar remains unsolved.
What if the alien abductions are all the same guy? The other grays hold a press conference and say “Oh, that’s just Kyle. He’s a jerk.”
ME: hey guys what’s the herps?
HIM: u mean haps?
M: oh, haha yea. what’s the itch?—I mean sitch
H: uh
M: hows it herpin?
H:
M: I have herpes
6 year old: I ate all my lunch today!!
The evidence to the contrary:
My daughter forgot her gym uniform at home. When I arrived at her school to drop it off, I realized I also forgot the uniform.
I see where she gets it from.
Some choices are easier than others:
An emergency doctor’s appt vs a much needed hair appt.
At least if I die my hair will be cute.
*Moves manger so the baby Jesus can watch Die Hard*
judge: do you swear to tell the truth, the whole truth and nothing but the truth
me: no
judge: [covers mic] what do I do